Monday Morning Quarterback

i always wander through thanksgiving weekend with mixed emotions.

the week of thanksgiving comes near the end of a long semester and it always comes as a welcome relief.  now that it is a full-blown week of vacation for most kids and many family members, it has turned into great week.

lots of family time, traditions, turkey and mashed potatoes, football, shopping, putting up christmas decorations…you name it.  but here’s the flip side for me.

this is also a week that seems to bring all of our momentum as a church family to a stand still.  we get out of our routine.  half of our church family packs up and makes the trip to aunt ethel’s house for thankgiving dinner.  personally, my mind disengages.

maybe it’s watching my friends leave.  maybe it’s the bad football games on thanksgiving day (really, can’t we get a good matchup?  how come the cowboys never play the eagles on turkey day?).  maybe it’s the triptophan.  whatever…i just know that i go into a church funk and can’t wait to get rolling into december.

by the way, i’ll give you full warning that i will be making this same post in about four weeks…with even greater melancholy…when we go through christmas and new year’s weekends. and nobody better bring up the topic of complaining.  i don’t want to hear it.

in spite of my trepidation, i continue to be totally humbled week after week by what is happening in our church family.

• we had a really good crowd yesterday.
• lot’s of people came home from their travels a day early to be with us in worship.
• this has been a good sermon series for me…a chance to rethink some things i’ve always believed and an opportunity to look into god’s word in a new way.
• i don’t know about you, but i’m not sure i would like somebody telling me to stop complaining…completely… forever…in every circumstance.  really?
• isn’t it interesting to think that our whole concept of thanksgiving isn’t really based on the bible?
• our way of celebrating the thanksgiving tradition is to count our blessings.
• god’s perspective on thanksgiving is to quit focusing on only the good things and start thanking him for everything.
• this is a much bigger list.
• it’s good that at least one person in the north point family thinks i’m funny.
• it’s time for christmas songs again.  let my love-hate affair begin.
• the christmas decorations looked really good.  i love the look and feel of christmas in our building!
• thanks to all the people who helped decorate on saturday morning.
• are you meeting new people every sunday?  what’s holding you back?
• it was wanda’s birthday yesterday.  it’s always a fun day for me.  this was the 39th consecutive year we have spent her birthday together.
• lunch at rudy’s with friends was awesome!

i hope you all had a great thanksgiving break and you are ready to dive into the christmas season.  it’s the best time of the year to introduce people to the jesus you know.

Happy Thanksgiving Day

this day is a good tradition.  there is much about it that i really enjoy.  our fancy dinner…watching football together… hanging out with family and friends…it really is a good day.  but don’t be deceived.

genuine gratitude is not to be reserved for a day.  it is to be the defining mark of our existence.  every day.  all day.  all the time.

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.  Colossians 3:17

Be joyful always;  pray continually;  give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

…and a little wisdom from g.k.chesterton:

“You say grace before meals. All right. But I say grace before the concert and the opera, and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and grace before I dip the pen in the ink.”

Thanksgiving Top Five

it’s wednesday afternoon…i should be working around the house, but i’m not.

i’m sitting in the living room and smelling the beginning of thanksgiving dinner.

countdown:  24 hours, 42 minutes.

thought i would give you my top five thanksgiving taste sensations…farra style.

we always begin the day with wanda’s home made cinnamon rolls.  soft, warm bread…loads of buttery, cinnamon goo in every layer…sticky, sweet white frosting everywhere. the smell of these puppies is almost as good as eating them.

an unbelievable way to begin the day.

next up…the mashed potatoes and gravy.

and not just any mashed potatoes.  these are home made and full of butter, cream cheese and sour cream and then baked in the oven to form a crust on the top and bottom.

and wanda is the turkey gravy queen.

there is absolutely nothing like the taste of cranberry sauce and turkey together on fresh made rolls, the day after thanksgiving.  these little sandwich creations are worth waiting the whole year for.

have i told you that wanda is an amazing cook?  she always bakes our two favorite pies:  pecan and a socal favorite, tollhouse pie…like a large, gooey chocolate chip cookie.  if you’ve never had it, you need to stop by the farra crib for a taste.

i promise, you have never tasted anything like it. 

the greatest of farra thanksgiving traditions?  we all get our own bottle of martinelli’s sparkling apple cider!  when our boys were young, this was the coolest thing ever.  come to think of it…it still is!

so how about you and your family…

what are your favorite palate-pleasers?

what are the foods that make your thanksgiving dinner memorable?

Marriage Tuesday

with all this talk about divorce last week, i thought i’d give you some reasons why we’re still married.  not all of them.  just some of them:

• from the very beginning of our relationship, divorce was never an option.  we ruled it out.
• it’s always been about god’s reputation more than ours.  not just marriage, but pretty much everything we do.  we believe and teach that it’s his power working inside of us that gives us the strength to honor our commitment.
• we made good choices when we picked each other.  never underestimate the value of paying the price to make wise choices before you get married in the first place.
• we listened intently to wise counsel when we were young and newly married.
• we’ve both read a bunch of good books on marriage…by people way smarter than us!
• in our first five years of marriage, we made ourselves accountable to other couples…for our personal growth, as well as the growth of our marriage.
• we made some goals for our marriage early on.
• we each took ownership of our personal discipleship…our own prayer life…our own personal bible study…our own reading.
• we shared the same ministry (youth leaders) from the very beginning of our relationship.
• we found things we both enjoyed doing together…and then did them.
• we waited until we had been married six years (age 27) before we had kids.
• we’ve paid the price to really get to know each other.  i really admire wanda.
• forgiveness was always present.  i’ve made a handful of pretty dumb decisions in our 40 years together.  every time, wanda has unconditionally loved me, helped me see myself more clearly, and never ever punished me.
• we don’t ever raise our voices at each other.  part of that is because we both came from homes where yelling was part of regular communication… and we both hate it.  the other part is because yelling is not part of our personalities.  we are both pretty fortunate on this one.
• we both love to talk…especially to each other.  staying up as late as it takes to work out misunderstandings was (and still is) a treasured value.
• we have included people deep into our lives.  many people have lived with us over the years.  it always forced us to live in the open.
• we don’t do the silent treatment with each other.
• we are both really comfortable with a simple lifestyle.
• we’ve always agreed on giving our money away…church offerings…people in need…buying stuff for friends and family…
• we’ve never run from difficulty.  we’ve faced some really difficult things together.
• we were serious about kingdom issues before we got married.
• we share similar theologies and bible interpretations.  not exactly the same…but close enough!
• our common love of youth ministry at a young age created definition in our relationship.  there has been nothing better for us than serving side by side all these years.
• our kid’s lifestyles and choices never placed a burden on us or our marriage.  we are incredibly fortunate to have the boys we do.
• we always agreed that people were more important than our things…a spotless house, a manicured lawn, fancy stuff…none of it has ever been all that important.
• we are not afraid of death and both of us live with absolute confidence in our eternal destiny because of what christ has done.  because of that, it’s pretty hard to over-react to things that come our way.

on top of everything else, i’m married to someone who loves to watch sports (in person or on television), eating simple food, riding in a jeep, and doesn’t make me turn my music down.  i’m livin’ the dream…

how about you?  why are you still married?

Monday Morning Quarterback

definitely a good day!

• i really like who and what we are becoming as a church family.
• many new folks…over 50 in the past nine months now call north point home.
• more new people coming every week.
• it is so cool to see new and old growing together, becoming friends, sharing stories…
• i was totally prepared for this to be a low attendance sunday…with the beginning of a whole week of thanksgiving vacation for families with kids, but we had a pretty full house…especially the second hour.
• it’s always a good thing when we have to set up more chairs.
• the band has kick some major behind (the unspiritual equivalent of rocking the house) with the music the past two weeks!  pardon my choice of words, but sometimes you just gotta call it like it is!
• we are so blessed to have the musicians and their hearts for worship.
• i’m really liking the new song, “glory to god”.   great tune, easy to sing, powerful combination of music and simple words on an awesome chorus.   pretty sure we’re not going to wear this one out anytime soon.
• advent conspiracy money is over $6000 after today’s offering.  wow.
• our regular offering for the general budget has stayed consistent over the past couple of months…still a little low, but i’m convinced that god will continue to supply our needs.
• and on top of that, he has given us everything we need to be content and face any situation that comes our way.
• talk about a win-win!
• this sermon series on living from the inside out has been good.
• i think we are addressing real-life issues in a realistic way.  truth is hard sometimes, but we still need to face it.
• speaking about generosity to north point is an easy thing to do…this is an incredibly generous group of people.
• do you live every day with a practical awareness that everything you have…i mean everything…belongs to god and is on loan to you?
• how would your generosity change if you did?
• “would you rather have a million dollars or the spiritual depth and power to face any difficult life situation?”… is this a difficult question for you to answer?

hope you have a great week…live boldly…give generously…laugh a lot…remember the hurting…experience the confidence that comes from knowing that god will supply all your needs!

Divorce postscript…

i just finished re-reading what i wrote about divorce over the past four days.  i’m thinking i’m pretty grateful that some of my divorced friends haven’t come looking for me with a bat…

but now that i’ve got your attention, let me give you the greater lesson to be learned from this whole journey through the words of jesus on divorce.

here’s what i’ll tell you about most of my friends who are divorced:  they know better than i (and anyone else who hasn’t gone through a divorce) of what it feels like to fall short of god’s ideal in a marriage...and then to experience the wonderful grace of jesus in new and profound ways.

oh, i know a handful of believers who have walked away from their marriages and never let on (during the ordeal or even now that they have moved on) that there was a struggle.  they only act and talk like it was a good thing…some even claiming the divorce was “god’s will”. frankly, most of the time, i don’t know what to do or say to these folks.

but the others…the ones who have spoken of their hurt and struggle and confusion and guilt…the ones who know acutely that they have fallen incredibly short of god’s “ideal”…the ones who have been to the edge of despair and hopelessness…and emerged the other side with an experience of god’s grace that is both rich and profound, well, they are the ones we should learn from!

you see, throughout my life, the divorced people in my religious circles have most always been labeled.  i was taught that divorce was the biggie. it was a failure of epic magnitude and worse than almost any other.  divorced people wore the scarlet letter.  they were looked at with smug skepticism.  they were usually banned from inner circles of church fellowship.  leadership was forever off limits.  their wisdom and advice was always received with an asterisk.

to those who judge, go back and listen to jesus and the apostles.

jesus and the apostles teach an “ideal” for just about everything…not just divorce.  no worry.  no greed.  no lust.  no anger.  no complaining.  no jealousy.  no judgment.  no retaliation.  no gossip.  no storing up treasures on earth.  love always. pray always. give thanks always. forgive always. rejoice in everything. you must deny yourself.  get rid of all bitterness.  do nothing out of selfishness.  no divorce.

are you getting the picture?

when did we elevate divorce to the position of being the only one we hold up to the ideal?  when did we decide we didn’t have to proclaim to each other and hold each other accountable to the “ideal” for everything on the list?

when?  when we decided we couldn’t live up to the ideal in those areas.  when we figured out that we weren’t perfect.  when we began to know instinctively that even our very best effort is going to fall woefully short of perfection…in every area of life.

does that mean we don’t hold up the ideal?  of course not!  without the ideal, we have no godly goals or expectations or standards.  without the ideals from the word of god, we are left on our own to make up good and bad and right and wrong.

don’t run from god’s standards!  don’t rewrite scripture to something you can do on your own.

it’s ok to admit that it’s not just divorce that happens because of the hardening of hearts, but every failure and shortcoming.  every time we gossip or get greedy or act selfishly or worry or judge others, we are shutting down our hearts to the power and possibility of god to work inside of us.

but when that happens, we have the amazing and liberating opportunity to fall on the grace of god, repent of our shortcomings, pray for a soft and humble heart, pick ourselves up, get dusted off, and make the most of the situation we find ourselves in.

i, for one, am grateful for the incredible life lessons my divorced friends have taught me out of their brokenness and failure.  does that mean that i am advocating divorce?  of course not.  are they?  of course not.  it simply means that god never ever turns his back on us because we fall short of the ideal.

now, if i could just learn my lessons about selfishness…

 

Day 4 – Divorce

i’m not claiming to know all there is to know about divorce.  i’ve never gone through one.  i’ve never known the pain and the struggle and the confusion and the guilt and the feelings of hopelessness that so many have told me about through the years.

i’ve walked with dozens and dozens of kids (over the past 37 years) who have agonized over their parent’s divorce and labored through feelings of blame and misplaced responsibility…not to mention the loss, competition, anger, separation, and anxiety that accompanies the drama.

for those that i have talked to, prayed with, and counseled through, the failure is overwhelming.   and for many, the distance and separation from god is crushing.

so it is with great care and tremendous sympathy that i will offer these closing words on divorce.

as i said yesterday, jesus’ most profound words on marriage occur in matthew 19.  so do his most profound words on divorce.

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator `made them male and female,’  and said, `For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ ?  So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.  I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”  Matthew 19:3-9

jesus’ answer about divorce?  no.  period.  don’t mess with what god has cemented together.  don’t even think about it.  don’t let it into the conversation.  never. ever. no matter what.

“but what about____________?”

“what if____________is happening?”

“surely god doesn’t want me to suffer with ______________, does he?”

sorry.  same answer.  jesus is nothing, if not consistent.

so they ask him, “why did moses command divorce?  didn’t he get the laws directly from god?”

jesus speaks the words that should penetrate us to the core.  he says the reason that people get divorces is because their hearts grow hard…cold…faithless.  these words are dark and ugly.  and true.

divorce happens because people give up.  there may be callousness and resentment.  there may be abuse and neglect.  there may be cheating and distance and walls.  there may be loneliness.  there may be emptiness and love has long since left the building.

but make no mistake.  whatever the reason…whatever the excuse…whatever the rationale or justification…jesus says it boils down…always boils down to one thing:  hearts grow hard.

divorce happens because hearts grow hard and cold and empty and people just stop believing that god is big enough to make a difference.  hardness of heart causes people to grow indifferent and faithless.  it causes people’s faith to shrink and they start trusting their own logic and the wisdom of well-meaning, but deceived friends.  and the marriage dies.

are people ever better off because they have divorced?  some.  at least they sure look like it to me.

people come to me (as the priest, pastor, resident theologian, spokesman for god) and want my “blessing” for their divorce and possible remarriage. it is not mine to give…and i will never give it. people want the bible to say something it doesn’t say. marriage is for life…under any and every circumstance.  divorce always falls short of god’s ideal. always. it hurts to say it. it hurts to admit it.

in my opinion, a follower of christ should never, ever initiate divorce. a follower of christ can remain separated in a difficult marriage, but not divorce, in order to give god time to work in the hearts of both parties.  if one partner pursues the divorce and moves on, i would, only then, accept the reality of the end of the marriage.

jesus seems to give a “loophole” for divorce. but it also seems to me that he is not saying we should pursue divorce in the case of unfaithfulness…merely that it could be legally done under the law of moses.

on a practical level, i never counsel any believer to initiate divorce. it’s not my place to do that. for me to tell them (or bless them) to initiate divorce is equal to me telling them there is no hope and that god is impotent in their relationship. i won’t do that. nor will i tell them not to initiate.  i simply try to speak the truth as i see it and stand by them after they have made their choices.

that’s not to say that i haven’t been secretly relieved or supportive of a handful of godly people who have gone ahead and initiated divorce.  life is complicated.

honestly, there is much more to say about divorce.  that’s why there are so many books written on the subject by men and women much smarter than i am.  if you still want more information, i can recommend some good authors.  if you want to talk, let me know.  if you are struggling in your marriage, tell someone who will come along side you, point you to the words of god, and hold you accountable.

this has been good.  we’ll tackle another difficult topic down the road sometime.

Day 3 – Divorce

for me, the most compelling teaching about divorce in the bible are the words that jesus spoke in matthew 19:

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator `made them male and female,’  and said, `For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ ?  So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.  I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”   Matthew 19:3-9

here are a few observations:

the first is the biggest and the foundation of any teaching or understanding we should have about divorce.  it is the heart of god on marriage.  in other words, you want to know what god thinks about divorce?  that’s the wrong question.  we need to be asking what he thinks about marriage!

the bible states that, according to god,  marriage is a uniquely created union that can only exist between a male and a female who leave their parents and forge a new union as husband and wife.  before that, they were individuals…free beings who could choose their own course without considering how their decisions would affect the life and future of a partner. but marriage changes that.

the two become one.  this relationship is not conditional.  it is permanent.  it is binding.  god says that the two, the man and the woman, become one flesh. the hebrew concept of the mingling of souls…the pressing together of bodies, hearts, minds, wills, and dreams.

to separate a marriage is like trying to “un-mix” two different balls of playdough after they have been rolled together and kneaded into a completely different shade…or trying to separate the individual ingredients of cake batter after it has come out of the mixing bowl…or attempting to put paint back to its original colors after two color tints have been combined, mixed, shaken and sealed in a can.  it’s absolutely crazy to think we would ever attempt to do these things…and that’s how crazy the concept of divorce is to god!

marriage…according to the heart and intent of god…is something that he brings together.  how dare we mess with something…destroy something…rip something apart…that god, himself, is the author and giver of?  i’m afraid that some of us need to rethink the whole concept of marriage before we dare undermine what god is doing.  maybe a thorough understanding of what marriage is would keep us from entering into it so casually in the first place.

second, as a point of reference, this passage makes it clear that god did not create, command, teach, institute, or even validate divorce.  in the law of moses in the old testament (which god delivered to moses), it merely states that god permitted divorce.  it was something that was happening, and god gave them a law to regulate it and give it definition and consequence.

finally, jesus states the only reason…the one and only reason that divorce ever happens.

this is getting good.  more tomorrow.

More on divorce

here is some more to ponder today…

divorce is one of those topics that will always be debated…especially when one wants to know “exactly” what the bible has to say about it.   on one hand, the topic is so complex and buried in jewish history and culture, it is virtually impossible to know “exactly” what is meant.   even the different rabbinical “schools” of interpretation of the jewish talmud have strong differences of opinion.

the law, in the OT, states:  if a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce… Deut. 24:1   the differences of opinion center on the real meaning of “something indecent”.  frankly, nobody really knows.  more than likely, it probably meant anything the husband didn’t like.  that was just the culture they lived in.

so when divorce first appears in the bible, the practice was already in existence.  what god did through moses was to regulate divorce in order to prevent its abuse to keep a bad situation from becoming worse.  the fact that god did not lay down a specific law in the pentateuch prohibiting divorce showed his realistic approach to our failure.   it shows how god is always willing to work on behalf of those who fail to live up to his ideal for them.

as you read yesterday, the NT doesn’t have a ton to say about divorce  either… and most of it is in relationship to the OT law.

in matthew 5 ,  it seems that Jesus makes allowance for divorce in the case of marriage unfaithfulness, but, honestly, we don’t really know exactly what Jesus meant when he used the word porneia:

“It has been said, `Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness (porneia), causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. Matthew 5:31-32

porneia has various meanings and bible interpreters and commentators have translated it many ways.  there is no consistency each time the word porneia appears in the NT, changing from passage to passage and translation to translation: unchastity, infidelity, marriage unfaithfulness, homosexuality, fornication, sexual perversion, immorality…even the sexual defilement in idolatry. the only common theme is that is always refers to something sexual.

a historical perspective is that marriage unfaithfulness in NT times…most often referred to sex with someone else  during the engagement (betrothal) period.  the betrothal in those days was a period where the couple would separate for as long as a year, in order to prepare themselves for marriage.  no contact with each other.  definitely no sexual contact…with each other or anybody else.

also, we have to recognize that jesus is giving new insight to the OT law for his hearers.  honestly, it must have been shocking for them to hear what he had to say.  right before his statement on divorce, he blows them away with a “new” definition of adultery:

“You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery.’  But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.  Matthew 5:27-28

there is no question that jesus is teaching them that the sacredness and holiness of marriage extends, not just to action and behavior, but deep into our thoughts, intents, motives, and feelings.  to me, it seems that jesus wants us to understand that faithfulness in marriage encompasses every part of our existence…and not just the act.

like i said before, this topic is more complex than meets the eye, and we always need to be careful whenever we say “the bible says…” sometimes it’s not that simple.

more on divorce tomorrow.

Marriage Tuesday

a number of weeks ago, i had a friend who called me into a dialogue about divorce.  her questions were perceptive and we carried on an email exchange that was good for both of us.  as a result of that dialogue, i went back to the bible to study the topic again to make sure that my beliefs were still aligned with what god says.

when it comes down to it, all of us are faced with the same dilemma:  where do i go for truth?  who do i trust to give me the wisdom i need to face life?  is there some kind of objective standard for right and wrong, or am i simply left to live off my feelings and my personal life education and experience?

for me, i choose god’s word.  i have no where else to go.  i refuse to trust my own judgment.  the scriptures are where i go for the definition i need for every critical life value and purpose for my life.  it is where i go for my understanding of divorce.

in the old testament, the law of moses tells the people of god of the consequences of divorce:

If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, 2 and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, 3 and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, 4 then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the LORD. Do not bring sin upon the land the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance.  Deuteronomy 24:1-4

in malachi, the prophet speaks of god’s real attitude about divorce:

“I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel… Malachi 2:14

in the new testament, jesus gives some additional insight to our understanding of divorce:

“You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery.’  But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

“It has been said, `Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’  But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.   Matthew 5:27-28, 31-32

and also a little later:

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator `made them male and female,’  and said, `For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ ?  So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.  I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”  Matthew 19: 3-9

that’s it from jesus.

so before i give my thoughts, take a day and consider what you have read and measure what you believe about divorce against it.

i’ll return to this tomorrow…