when the discussion turns to ideas that can help strengthen a marriage…or tips to building a healthier one…one thing that always comes up is date night.
first, a confession. wanda and i have never done really well on having regular date nights. please don’t think less of us. come to think of it, we never did particularly well on family nights or family devotions, either. that’s for another post…
you could probably say that i’ve never done well with structure or rules. wanda says i pretty much live in an extended state of adolescent rebellion. she’s probably right.
back to date night.
even though we didn’t do one, i admire those couples who do. i really admire the discipline of committing time to each other and what that kind of faithfulness means. the underlying stability that is being forged in your relationship by making time time every week to “go somewhere” or “do something” with each other is pretty powerful.
but here’s my caution: just because you go out to dinner and movie…or take in a play…or go to a ball game, don’t assume that the activity itself is making your bond stronger. don’t be lulled into the idea that, since you are doing something that both of you are enjoying, your marriage is deepening.
you have to talk. a lot. about important things…deep things…uncomfortable things…embarrassing things…painful things…if you ever want your marriage to be substantial.
i know a lot of couples that love to go to movies. (that would not be me and wanda. she falls asleep and i sit and think about all the things my $25 could have gone to.) the concern i always have is whether those couples are really dealing with the important issues in their lives…and the continual, scheduled “dinner and a movie date night” is just another way to avoid pulling out the scalpel and doing some really needed marriage surgery.
let me give you an idea. instead of date night, why don’t you start having talk night once a week?
pick out a place to go and eat. in my opinion, eating and talking go really well together. pick a place that isn’t all about the food and the service, though. you don’t want to get side-tracked. and then sit and talk. for a couple of hours! face to face. eye to eye. nose to nose. heart to heart.
leave the kids with somebody you trust. turn off your cell phones. (pick friends that are smart enough to call 911!). don’t go to a sports bar…or the food court at the mall. don’t take your grocery list, “just in case”. wear comfortable clothes. take a note pad and pencil…somebody might say something important!
make regular time to talk about things like:
your goals and dreams…
your fears and sadness…
your sins and mistakes…
changes you need to make…
what you need that your partner is not providing…
what you miss the most…
what is disappointing you…
what excites and thrills you…
what god is doing in your lives…
what needs to be prayed about…
yeah, you need to make time to talk about the kids…and the finances…and jobs…and things that need to be fixed around the house. those are important, too.
but if you are not making regular time to talk about the significant…the deep…the holy…the “untouchables”…the passionate…the life changing…you run the risk of your marriage being reduced to mere co-existence.
do you think a regular talk night just might be worth it?
I am a husband, a dad, a spankin' new grandpa (big papi), a pastor, a teacher, a fellow-wanderer, a baseball junkie, a lover of 24, waffles, the first day of fall , loud music, kids, play, the grace of God, and St. Augustine grass!
2 responses so far ↓
Luke // November 3, 2009 at 3:22 pm |
It’s kinda funny. Harm and I are coming up on 15 years next week. That is so hard to wrap my hands around that it’s not even funny. In those 15 years there have been times where we have been as close as you can get and times that I don’t know if we could be any further apart. 100% of the time without fail, the distant times are times we aren’t talking. In those times you have to find a common ground. You have to find time to talk, really talk, to find that common ground.
It is really easy for your marriage to turn into a work relationship. You need each other to run the house and raise the kids just as you need your assistant at work. Far too often we get caught up in who is going to take who to what practice or event and forget that the other person is your spouse. They aren’t your assistant. They are someone that you can share your triumphs and shortfalls with. Someone that you can share your blessings and your sins with. We need friends in our lives that bow down next to us at the foot of the cross. We need their accountability, compassion, understanding and forgiveness. Sometimes we just forget to talk about how important all that stuff is.
raeshel parker // November 9, 2009 at 1:48 pm |
Okay… I LOVE DATE NIGHT!!! I can’t say that Brandon and I “talk” at every date night about all the things that Mike suggests, but I can say that committing to spend time with my best friend, husband, lover, PCI (partner in crime)… And Yes, I am speaking about Brandon on all these fronts, is very refreshing to me. Time is very precious… Most couples don’t have lots of time to invest in one another (kids, work, etc…)
About 3 weeks ago, B and I went to dinner… It was the first “Date Night” in a long time where we actually talked with one another… Not one of those “How was your day honey”, but actually talked about things that bothered us, bringing up fun times that we have had together, if we were on the same page with our commitments, music, church, kids… The list goes on.
I have to bring this up and it may not be scripturally accurate, but the day you said your vows and were married, you became one in God’s eyes. Your Committment to each other comes FIRST!! Not your kids, not church, not work… It goes God, Spouse, and then so on…
If you invested as much time in your spouse as you do with your other committments, you would have a much healthier, happier marriage…