Marriage Tuesday

there’s a blog i read every now and then written by a young(ish) pastor somewhere in arizona.  it sounds like one of those hip, trendy, new church plants that are happening all over the place these days.  he’s a good writer and has some fresh insights to pass along.

usually.

except for this one.  this one just needs to stop.  he has issued a “30 Day Sex Challenge” to his church family.

the idea is for married couples to go through a devotional guide and have sex with each other every day for 30 days…and for single people to abstain from all things sexual and go through a separate devotional guide for 30 days.

this is not a new idea.  a church in florida did it a couple of years ago (and got a lot of press for it).  a popular church in our neck of the woods did their version of it…and it drew national attention!  i’m sure there are other churches that have tried something similar.

no matter how many times i hear of it, i’m still troubled by it.

i’m all for couples studying together.  i’m all for growing deeper and stronger marriages.  i’m all for sex, too.  i’m also all for single people drawing lines and abstaining from opening the door to explicit sexuality issues before they get married (1 corinthians 6:18).

but there’s something about reducing the act of sexual intercourse to an item on our daily to do list that cheapens it.

brush teeth?  check.

walk the dog?  check.

take out the trash?  check.

have sex?  check.

make the bed?  check.

no.  this is wrong.  on so many levels.

if it is true that men are wired differently than women and we need to have sex more often (i have serious reservations about the veracity of this assumption, by the way), it looks to me like we’re telling women that they have a greater responsibility to “put out”, than the man has to be sensitive and understanding.

if there’s not enough sex in a marriage to satisfy, i don’t think the answer is to “do it repetitively for 30 days…whether you like it or not”.   i’ve heard the teaching that says if you do anything for 30 days, it will become a habit.  count me out.  i don’t ever want my sex life to be reduced to doing sit ups or eating vegetables.

if your sexual relationship is not satisfying (to one or both of you), the answer is not to go through the motions and hope it will change.  the answer will only be found when you begin to talk to each other about it.  dissatisfaction in your sexual relationship can come from literally hundreds of reasons…emotional, physical, family, spiritual, unrealistic expectations, anger, fear, stress, detachment, psychological scarring…you name it!

healing may need to take place.  honesty and candor need to replace silence and embarrassment.  when you bow before jesus and acknowledge him as lord and savior, does his kingdom rule extend to your bedroom?  maybe it’s time to open up that discussion.  maybe it’s time to invite wise counsel into your lives.

talking and listening and understanding and forgiving…the  extending of grace and patience…now that’s a start.

what’s holding you back?

Monday Morning Quarterback

yesterday was simply an awesome day!

• solid attendance in both services…in spite of sickness and travel
• i was really excited about getting to present the advent conspiracy to our church family
• what a great response!
• i had lots and lots of positive input…a bunch of people excited to have a different kind of christmas this year!
• i think this thing has the potential to change our church family from the inside out
• speaking of inside out… that’s the title of my new sermon series that will be starting this coming sunday
• five weeks on digging deeper and understanding the flow pattern of spiritual maturity
• you won’t want to miss even one of these messages
• did you come away with a deeper understand of the glory of god after yesterday’s services?
• it’s amazing how many songs we sing are about the glory of god…yet we know so little about it
• the new song, “glory to god”, was an absolutely perfect way to end the service
• i was totally pleased with the turnout for “funday”
• north point definitely knows how to eat and have fun
• thanks to everyone who helped out!
• the weather was perfect
• i wonder how many “big” churches have their own horseshoe pit?
• i think a bunch of people would have stuck around having fun if we hadn’t kicked them out and told them to go home
• having fun and having back pain are not good partners
• we need to have another funday soon…just for me!
• i think a north point “dogday” is in order, sometime in the future
• i promise i won’t bring mine, though…
• why does brandon like to do all the barbecuing?  he’s got some mad skills, but i don’t think that’s the whole story
• there were some people that never even got out of their lawn chairs
• i wonder how much fun they had?
• the cowboy fans were well-behaved
• are you ready to sign up to be part of the “funday planning team”??

great day.  looking forward to many more.  have an incredible week!

what a waste…

this week was no bueno…

Conflict

i have conflicting feelings about this one…

addendum to marriage tuesday…

this morning, i re-read what i wrote yesterday and feel a need to add something to it before next week.

as highly as i think of the sexual intimacy that god designed for a husband and wife,  i don’t want to leave the impression that it is what marriage is all about or that sex is what defines a relationship.  nor do i believe that sexual gratification is the goal of being human.

while i am choosing to write about great sex between a husband and wife, i recognize this topic may be painful for some…and it is with some reservation and sensitivity that i wade into the topic.

some of your marriages may be struggling right now and developing your sexual intimacy is not the biggest thing you need right now.

some of you may have lost your spouses and this discussion is simply too painful to read.  my heart goes out to you.

some of you are unmarried and talking about this topic can run the risk of creating fantasy if it is not entered into with an attitude of sacred.

some of you may be happily married, but your sex life is not what it used to be and you are content with how that has changed.

some of you have experienced a sexual relationship outside of marriage and this discussion is causing you guilt or frustration.

but no matter where you are at on the sex continuum, it’s still super important to talk about it…and do our best to get it right.

my goal is not to make you feel guilty or frustrate you or create feelings of disappointment or failure…but to inspire you!  i want to talk about a topic that is (or at least should be) important to all of us.  and as i speak about the worth and value of a great and godly sexual relationship, please know that i am working to do this with sensitivity and compassion to the place in life you find yourself.

Marriage Tuesday

it’s time to take marriage tuesday in a different direction.  i’ve enjoyed the study and discussions about headship, submission and male/female roles. i hope it’s been good for you.  we’ll revisit it again sometime…

let’s go down a different road for a few weeks.  let’s talk about…gulp…sex.

i’m going to start this whole thing off with a warning.  i intend for this to have a “pg-13 rating”.  i plan to say some things that i might not say in a sermon on sunday mornings…not because they shouldn’t be said, but because there may  be some kids in our audience on sunday mornings who might not be able to handle the frankness of the topic.  there’s a time and a place for this discussion.  this will be a place for some of it.

here is my beginning point.  pay careful attention.  sexual intimacy between a husband and a wife is supposed to be a good thing.  a really good thing. it is supposed to be anticipated. it is supposed to be over-the-top fun.    it’s not just for making babies.

hear this: if your sexual relationship with your spouse is uncomfortable, painful, confusing, ignored, unpleasant, blah, embarrassing, awkward, or avoided… there is a problem. and it can happen to anyone.

some newlyweds never get the hang of it.  the sexual exploits talked about in the locker room or portrayed in the movies never quite become a reality.  busyness gives way to exhaustion.  a bad experience can permanently scar.  puritanical church teaching damages our expectations.  parents don’t give the talk. the sexual act produces a baby, but kills the sex drive…not to mention the effects of late-night feedings.

couples with young children are constantly drained.  no money.  no time.  no energy.  no privacy.  no sex.

bad theology and cultural expectations place the responsibility on the woman to provide and service to her hunter-gatherer-provider-hero-protector-spiritual leader-husband.  beer commercials (and a thousand other examples) have taught men that it is normal to objectify women (even our own wives) and see their role as our libido satisfiers.

we are now taught that it is entirely acceptable for men and women to fulfill their sexual fantasies on the internet…through sexually explicit websites and chat rooms.  our culture is now telling us that’s what normal people do.

the older we get, the more demanding life can be.  teenagers.  bills.  work.  managing a home.  fixing the rain gutters.  college.  have a “date night”??? just get me to my recliner…

the “empty nest” is supposed to be the coolest time ever for a couple, but for many, there are just years and years of slowly growing apart…not investing in the relationship…not addressing the most important issues…and the couple is left with nothing but…an empty nest.

before we go too far, let’s make something perfectly clear.  the purpose of marriage is not to have great sex.  nor is it to populate the planet or perpetuate your family name.  the purpose of marriage is not to create financial stability or provide emotional security.

the purpose of marriage is to bring honor to god and point people to the greatness of kingdom living.  the purpose of marriage is to shape us into people that reflect the nature and character of jesus.  it is a place for us to experience the effect of promise-keeping in our lives.

but make no mistake.  healthy sexual intimacy is designed to play a huge role in accomplishing that purpose.  and when the sexual relationship with our partner is unfulfilling, it can (and will) have an effect on every other part of our marriage.  likewise, when our sexual relationship is healthy, fun, robust, anticipated and mutually enjoyed…you can bet that it will have a positive effect…on just about everything!

let me give you an assignment.  if you think your sexual relationship with your spouse could be better, i want to recommend a book for you both to read.  it’s frank.  it’s explicit.  it’s funny.  it’s very open.  it’s written by a christian counselor.

you won’t agree with everything he says.  i don’t.  but he says things that need to be said and opens up paths of dialogue that could transform your relationship with your spouse.

no matter if you are newly married or oldsters with blood that still flows,  you should read this book.  together.  out loud, if you dare.  lay aside your christians-don’t-talk-about-this-stuff attitude and move out closer to the edge.  good things can happen when we take risks.

if your relationship with your spouse is secretly stale, cold, or dying…don’t give up.  give this a shot.  and we’ll talk about it here.  who knows?  maybe god is big enough to make a difference!

here’s the book:

it’s called “sheet music”, by kevin leman.  you can order it from amazon right here…or you can get it from the local christian bookstore.  whatever you do, just get it.

remember, there are explicit, controversial, and potentially uncomfortable topics.  there are issues i have with a few things.  but overall, this is one of the best books that i have come across that lays it all out there.

you won’t regret this.

i can’t wait for next tuesday.

Monday Morning Quarterback

awesome day yesterday!

• this has been a good sermon series for me.  i got up pumped yesterday to wrap it up with some really personal words.
• i love being excited about showing up at north point on sunday mornings.
• there was an unusually warm and friendly spirit in our building yesterday.  it needs to be like that every week!
• it seemed like nobody wanted to leave the lobby…
• great singing…in both services.  the band was amazing!
• did you like the new song, or what?  it’s going to be an instant north point favorite.
• it was a perfect song to go with the sermon.
• in fact, all of the songs were perfect choices.  i shouldn’t ever be surprised, but i’m always pretty blown away when buzzy’s preparation merges with the holy spirit’s leading in the planning of our services.
• i had a different ending to the service planned, but just felt compelled to end it with communion the way we did.
• i really hope people were inspired by the lifting of the communion cups to declare our allegiance to jesus.  i know it looked and felt similar to “toasting” that goes on at weddings and banquets, but i don’t think that’s all bad.
• jesus and the disciples often used things that were familiar to the people of their culture to communicate deep spiritual truths.  why shouldn’t we?
• do you need to “man up” in your commitment to jesus?
• are you ready to be used by god or have you simply told god to go find someone else?
• don’t run from commitment.
• the swine (as well as other kinds of) flu has really taken its toll on our sunday attendance.  i’m ready for our family to be healthy.
• can’t wait for next sunday.  the north point funday is going to be sweet.
• who can you invite?
• lots of food…great fun on the volleyball and horseshoe courts…and some perfect weather.  no excuses!
• i love lunch with friends on sundays after services.  who are you spending it with?  where are you going?  who are you inviting?  quizno’s was a good choice for us…
• speaking of connecting…who do you need to be inviting into the north point community?  do you know of someone who needs the friendship?  needs the healing?  needs the refreshment?  don’t keep this to yourself!

if you’re not doing anything on tuesday night, stop by the bowling alley on main street and join the peanut gallery.  we are having a blast.  it’s a great time to connect, meet some new people, laugh, talk, eat, and make fun of the people that bowl.

have an awesome week.

Babies

so i had this thought about babies tonight…

every parent believes that their baby is the cutest baby around…the most beautiful eyes…the rosiest cheeks…the biggest smile…the sweetest little nose and the dimpled chin.

absolutely perfect.

there is no other baby…there has never ever even been another baby that is cuter, smarter, faster, prettier, more even-tempered baby than yours.

parents look into their baby’s face and they see beauty and intelligence and ability.  when compared to other babies…well, there is no comparison.  you can see it in a parent’s face… in their eyes as they show the pictures…or in their voice as they retell epic stories of climbing tall buildings or running 4.3 forties or reciting the gettysburg address…all before their first birthday.

are parents that wacko?  are they so obsessed with their own product that they only see what they want to see?  this seems like pure craziness.  but not so fast…

here’s the thing:  the way a dad looks at his baby son…as the cutest, best, most beautifully perfect baby ever born…above and beyond and to the exclusion of all others…is exactly the way that god looks at us.  god stares into our eyes and sees the beauty of his own creation…the most faultless, flawless, textbook, picture perfect example of his divine handiwork.

i know there are people that genuinely struggle with the idea of a personal creator-god who lovingly and patiently interacts with us, his creation.  but i am not one of those who struggle…

my faith is fortified every time i watch my own son look into the eyes of my grandson…he sees his own.  when his mother stares with absolute blind affection at the life that was formed inside of her…she sees her own.   and every other baby pales in comparison.

and my belief  in the god of wonders explodes with conviction.

babies.  such profound little bundles of theology.

and for the record, as near-perfect as i happen to believe my grandson is (a 4.3 forty might be stretching it a little…),  my boys were still the cutest ever.

once a dad…always a dad.

Today is a great day…

this was an amazing way to start my day…

Marriage Tuesday

i’m gonna take one more shot at trying to put a practical spin on this whole headship-submission thing.  here are some things i believe:

• submission to each other is the most christlike characteristic of all relationships (ephesians 5:21)
• wives are to submit to their husbands (ephesians 5:22)
• by god’s design, the husband is the head of the wife (ephesians 5:23)
• the husband’s headship must be defined by christ, not by culture (ephesians 5:24)
• headship does not mean master, boss, tyrant, authoritarian, or dominant coercive force
• headship never implies control or restriction
• headship is not about the husband being assertive and the wife being suppressed
• headship does not mean the husband has greater value, intelligence or innate ability
• headship does not mean the man is the tribal chief, the family manager, or the one who has superior rights or privileges
• headship does not mean the husband is active and the wife is passive
• headship does not mean the husband is the voice and the wife is the silent partner
• headship does not mean the husband is the decision maker, problem solver, goal setter or director of everyone else in the family
• headship does not mean priest, pastor, or even spiritual leader (the concept of the husband as the “spiritual leader”is a popular one.  sounds really…uh, spiritual.  but i’ve got some concerns about what’s implied, especially since those words are not even in the bible.  i’m going to write about “spiritual leadership” in the home and marriage next tuesday…)

don’t rush to judgment too quickly, if my words are new to you or don’t fall neatly in line with the traditional church party line.  i’ve spent my entire adult life studying scripture and weighing different interpretations and points of view from dozens of learned theologians and practitioners (both men and women) whom i admire and respect deeply.

most importantly, i’ve spent the past 34 years married to wanda…a woman who is very much my equal in every area of life that matters…and vastly superior in many of them.  she is my best case example of why my position on male headship takes more of a moderate approach…rather than the strict husband-is-the-spiritual-leader position that many hold.  again…more on that next week.

make no mistake, though. i believe, according to scripture, that i am the head of wanda.  to deny that would be to totally disregard the words of the apostle paul in his letters to the church in corinth and the church in ephesus.  but i believe my “headship” carries a very specific purpose.

as the head of my marriage, i believe it is my specific responsibility to be the protector of christlike submission in my relationship to wanda.  it is my job, even more than wanda’s, to make sure that humble service in love remains the defining characteristic of our union.  why??

• society and culture will undermine it - cultures have always perverted the relationships of men to women.  even in the days of abraham and moses…and all the way through the culture that jesus was born into…a daily  prayer for a jewish man was to thank god that he wasn’t born a gentile, a woman, or a dog.
• sin undermines it - since the beginning of time, one of the results of sin is that men will exert “rule” over women.  it is our sinful nature to take advantage of people.
• the created order undermines it – men have actually been taught that since they were created first, it gives them some sort of superiority over women.  geez, it doesn’t take much for a man to let things go to his “head”!!

because of sin, nobody “wants” to submit and serve.  we all want our own way.  we all want authority and control.  my job as the head of my marriage is to ensure that our relationship always reflects the nature and character of christ.  nothing more.

and nothing less.