Marriage Tuesday…on Wednesday

a little late getting into the swing of things after five days in colorado.  sometimes there are tough jobs to do and somebody’s just gotta step up and do them…

anyway, here goes.  one of the ways that people say that a husband is to be the head of the wife is in the area of decision-making.  the thinking goes this way:

it is inevitable that couples will have differences of opinion on decisions that need to be made as a couple or as a family.  questions such as:  buying a new car, changing jobs, moving to a new city, what church to attend, how to discipline the children, how much money to put in the offering plate, where to go on vacation, how often to have sex…and hundreds of others.

the traditional view of marriage headship says that when a couple reaches in impasse in the decision-making process…after all attempts at compromise have been exhausted…the decision should be made by the husband, since he is the head and the spiritual leader of the marriage.  the wife should willingly submit to her husband’s decision.

this may be a model of decision-making that works well for many couples, but it’s not the pattern that wanda and i have followed through the years.  i have never felt comfortable forcing wanda into concession…even if she wanted to concede her position.  we have always opted for consensus.

whenever we have faced decisions where the two of us have found our way to opposite sides of an issue, we keep working towards agreement.  i never play the spiritual leader chip.  i have never said to wanda, “i’m the leader, so we’re going to do what i think is best or what i think god wants us to do.”  never.  ever.

when faced with differences of opinion on what the next step in the process is, we are free to lobby, discuss, dispute, contest, or even argue.  but when we don’t agree, we look for new possibilities.  somebody doesn’t have to win. nobody’s voice, opinion, insight, perspective, belief, or conviction is more important than the other’s.

the responsibility for the decision does not fall to me because i am the man.  the responsibility for the decision falls to both of us, because we are a partnership.

some would say i am shirking my duty as the spiritual leader of our marriage.  i prefer to think that shared decision-making is more honorable to god and more affirming to wanda…not to mention a much smarter and prudent way of making decisions.

Marriage Tuesday

i think one of the first places where marriages can get off track is with a faulty understanding of love.

for the last thirty years, or so, i have asked the same question to dozens and dozens of young couples who have come to me to help them prepare for marriage.  it’s a simple question, but i’ve got to ask it, and the dialogue usually goes something like this:

“why do you want to get married?”

“because we love each other.”

“how do you know you love each other?”

“we just know.”

“but how do you know?”

“well, we can’t explain it, but we just know it.”

great.

stop the presses.  here’s an insight that deserves to be passed on.  love is not a feeling.

passion.  anger.  dread.  romance.  infatuation.  worry.  stress.  sympathy.  lust.  exhilaration.  emptiness.  you can make a pretty good case for all of those being feelings.

but not love.

i learned a long time ago that love is not a feeling.  love is a choice.  love is a decision.  love is an action.  love is not words.  love is not an impulse.  love does not tingle and send chills up your back.  love simply does the right thing.

love is a decision to act in the best interest of your partner.  love is choosing to do what your partner needs.  love is looking at the situation and saying, “this is not about what i want…it’s about what you need.”

i’m not saying there shouldn’t be feelings in a marriage.  far from it.  i think our marriages should be full of emotion and passion and warmth and over the top happiness. but that’s not the foundation we build our partnerships on.

we build on love.  the kind of love that moved god to send his son to redeem the world.  the kind of love that motivated jesus to go to the cross.  the kind of love that digs deep, stays long, presses on, runs on empty, doesn’t give up, endures through darkness, sees possibilities, and draws lines that are never crossed.

now that’s what marriages need.

husbands, do you love your wives?  wives, do you love your husbands?

Adventures in Leadership

last night i was reading a book on church leadership.  i do that often.  i’m a church leader.  i’ve actually been reading a lot lately.  this morning i got up and read some more…

there’s a common theme in most of the church leadership books and journals i have read over the course of my life.  it goes something like this:

god has anointed you the leader.  follow the vision god has given you.  god brought you to this church and planted inside of you the dream he wants you to lead people to follow.  it’s god’s vision.  in you.  the leader.

people may disagree with your vision.  people may not like your decisions.  some people will get mad.  others will leave.  many will talk behind your back.  some will try to undermine your vision and circumvent your plan.  don’t let those people get you down.  don’t let them hinder you.  stay the course.

all great leaders had to face opposition.  be faithful to your vision.  god gave it to you.  don’t get bogged down by the people who don’t agree with you.  move on.  they will, too.  eventually.  you are not in the people-pleasing business.  god did not call you to make people happy.  he called you to lead.  people are simply sheep without a shepherd…in need of a strong leader to take them where god wants them to be.

if they don’t like your leadership…your vision…your decisions…your style…your theology…well, they can leave and find another church.  that’s not your business.  following god’s leading in your life as a leader is your business.

although i see some truth in this, most of it really, really bothers me.  there’s an arrogance…a theological superiority…that is simply dangerous.  i know that god communicated clearly to the prophets of israel and to the apostles of the first century.  he spoke boldly and audibly to those he called to the demanding roles of leadership in the jewish nation and the early church…and it has been recorded accurately in scripture.

but are we to assume that that every preacher, every church leader, every new church planter, every ministry executive, every president…has the same “hotline” to god?  that every pastor has visionary carte blanche to pray, interpret god’s voice, and then follow that vision…and then run roughshod over people who don’t buy into the vision?  this is uncomfortably heartless to me.

that just seems inconsistent with the character and “leadership” style of jesus.  from a purely corporate perspective,  jesus just wouldn’t have been much of a leader.  he cared too much about people.

now, don’t get me wrong on this.  leaders have to make decisions.  sometimes we choose to do things (hopefully, in collaboration, dialogue, and relationship with others) that people will disagree with.  there are tough things that leaders need to do…and we must do them.  and sometimes people get hurt and discouraged and frustrated in the process.

it’s a very complicated issue.  no easy answers.

this morning, i’m incredibly grateful to serve with a team of people at north point who recognize that difficult decisions need to be made…agonize deeply when those decisions hurt people…and would never dream of letting me get on some power trip because god gave me a vision and i’m the leader and the people just need to follow.

you’d love to be a fly on the wall if i tried to do that!

Fifteen Important Questions – #9

hope you had a great christmas day…whether it was filled with family and friends or traveling or a good book or some much needed rest!  here’s your question for today:

what one thing do you most regret about last year, and what will you do about it this year?

our lives are full of good decisions and…not so good decisions.  the amazing thing is that we are always one good decision away from turning everything around and starting a brand new phase of our journey.  most of the time, the start of this process comes down to admitting the truth of our past.  with ruthless honesty.  

happy admission.