Axioms…from my perspective

i’ve decided to dedicate thursdays to giving some of my personal life axioms…truth that, from my perspective, is self-evident. sometimes practical. sometimes philosophical. sometimes whimsical. but truth, no less.

“risk being hurt by people…the potential rewards are great!

It’s pretty true when they say that “if it weren’t for the people, life (or the church) would be really great!”  People, especially the unhealthy or dysfunctional ones, can really hurt us.  i learned a line a few years ago that has been proved true again and again.  it should probably be an axiom.  it goes like this:

“hurt people hurt people.”

it’s just the way it is.

But it is within the risk of being hurt by people that we find the greatest potential to live our lives fully the way that God intended.  God did not wire us to live in isolation.  He did not design us to exist as islands, free from the intimate interaction that happens when we share life deeply with others.

He created us for relationship…first with Him…and then with others…all kinds of others!  People can treat us poorly or they can treat us with amazing respect and fierce loyalty.  The problem is we can never, ever, get to the really great level of friendship without taking the risk of being abused.

i’m not a perfect friend.  far from it.  i can be selfish…introverted…pre-occupied.  i can put up walls when i’m hurt.  i can do things that frustrate people and confuse people and cause people to question my leadership or even my integrity.  it comes from my sinful nature that will never be completely cured during my time on earth.

but i will not stop trying to be the best friend i can be.  i will never stop holding the bar as high as possible for what real friendships should be.  i don’t ever want to let my own hurt or disappointment or frustration with people be the reason to cut off friendship.

with that stated, there is a “flip” side.  i’ll pass that axiom on next week.  until then, let’s just work on taking the risks to be hurt by people in an effort to be the kind of friends god would be honored by.

Are you friendly or a friend?

i know you can’t be close with everybody.  there’s only so many people we can accommodate in our lives.  so don’t misunderstand what i’m going to say right now…

i’m grateful for friendly people.  it beats having to deal with people who are acting like butt-heads.  but being friendly is not enough.  not by a long shot.  and there’s a huge difference between being friendly and being a friend.  let me contrast:

• friendly is cordial.  a friend is genuine.
• friendly can be faked.  a friend doesn’t need to.
• friendly can still ignore you’re in the room.  a friend seeks you out.
• friendly is the absence of conflict.  a friend resolves conflict.
• friendly is oblivious to what other’s are really feeling.  a friend is intuitive.
• friendly acts like everything’s okay.  a friend is makes sure it is.
• friendly does small talk.  a friend talks from the heart.
• friendly does not disclose.  a friend is an open book.
• friendly can leave you wondering.  a friend always lets you know where you stand.
• friendly doesn’t necessarily want you as a friend.  a friend is never satisfied without friendship.
• friendly avoids saying the hard things.  a friend digs deep and takes the risk.
• friendly is there during the good times.  a friend perseveres during the bad.
• friendly is conditional.  a friend is unlimited.
• friendly is guarded.  a friend is free.
• friendly can be cool.  a friend is warm.
• friendly acts happy to see you.  a friend seeks you out.
• friendly can walk away.  a friend comes back.
• friendly will point you to help.  a friend will be there for you.
• friendly acts interested in what you are doing.  a friend really is interested.
• friendly will talk about the past and the present.  a friend will talk about the future.
• friendly can live with mediocre.  a friend pushes for the best.
• friendly talks about things.  a friend talks with you.
• friendly talks about themselves.  a friend wants to know how you are doing.
• friendly moves on.  a friend doesn’t forget.
• friendly replaces friends.  a friend stays a friend.
• friendly enjoys shallow.  a friend calls to deep.
• friendly won’t acknowledge hurt.  a friend shows scars.
• friendly suppresses anger.  a friend expresses honestly.
• friendly says they’ll pray for you.  a friend actually does.
• friendly knows how to talk.  a friend knows how to feel.
• friendly expects me to change.  a friend accepts me as i am.
• friendly remembers, but overlooks.  a friend forgives.
• friendly looks into your eyes.  a friend sees into your heart.

friendly knows there’s an elephant in the room, but acts like it’s not really there.  a friend hops on the elephants back and asks you to join in taking it down.

friendly is ok.  but i’ll take real friendship any day.

a new friend

this past weekend, i met a guy at a wedding rehearsal dinner i attended.  wanda and i really didn’t know anybody (other than the bride and groom), so we just wandered in, grabbed something to drink and did our best to try and mingle.  it was in one of those mingling moments that we met our new friend.

during the course of the pre-dinner mingling, there was lots of small talk and casual getting-to-know each other (along with others that would eventually sit at our table).  he was engaging.  he was sarcastic.  he was, at time, hilarious.  it was really fun.

in moments like these, it’s pretty hard to keep what i do for a living secret.  i was, after all, the pastor that was going to perform the wedding the next day!  more often than not, when i am in a social setting where it is not a church gathering with church people, things just get weird.  people get uncomfortable.  they apologize for their speech.  they avoid certain subjects.  they make obvious references (usually dumb ones) to their childhood church experiences.  mostly, they are looking for somewhere else to be…with someone who is more fun than a pastor.  i get it.

not so with this guy.  we talked.  a lot.  honestly.  openly.  sarcastically (which i thoroughly enjoyed!).  at one point, he told me of his frustration with churches and big time pastors who seem to only be concerned with getting bigger.  to him, there didn’t seem to be enough genuine care for people.  if someone got hurt, got disillusioned, got disconnected…and left…the only real interest was in replacing them…not finding them.

i responded by telling him that i was sorry for things that churches and pastors do. i told him that i am frequently embarrassed by the way the church and church leaders act and i apologized for the image we often project.  i just looked at him and said, “man, i’m really sorry.”

i fully expected him to lighten the moment with a joke or zing me with some of his cynicism, but he totally surprised me.  he looked me right in the eyes and said, “you don’t know how much that means to me to hear you say that.  in all of my years, i’ve never heard a pastor, or a christian for that matter, honestly admit that the church makes mistakes and apologize for them.  i’m blown away right now.”

that moment opened up new dialogue and i now feel like i have a new friend.  

honest apology goes a long way to opening doors.