A little introspection this morning

those who know me really well know that periodically, i can go through a depressive cycle.  it’s usually brought on by life events that undermine my self-esteem or cause me to question the value or worth of my life effort.

(…as a side note, i think i ought to write a little about depression one of these days.  it is an issue that faces many, if not the majority of people in our culture.  failure, rejection, loss, fear, guilt, pain…you name it…are all triggers that can result in the paralysis of depression.  what do you think?)

i’ve gone through one of those stretches recently and when i do, i always seem to come through on the other side with new insight about myself, or about god, or about friendship, or about loyalty, …but always about truth.  this time has been no different.

truth is, i crave depth.  depth of friendship…depth of conversation…depth of meaning.  i want…and need…friends that talk honestly and deeply…unafraid to speak the truth and stay close enough to heal and forgive (when it’s required).

i love to play and laugh and hang out.  i love to talk about sports and jobs and politics and education and television shows and the best new tools for home improvement.  let’s face it, i can talk shallow and surface and meaningless stuff with the best of you!

but at the end of the day, i crave heart to heart.  i long for friendship that goes below the surface.  the relationship that goes beyond what i do to who i am is what brings me to wholeness.  i want to have people in my life who want to know about what i believe and what moves me to tears and what i’m afraid of and what grabs my heart.

i want people in my life who want to talk about purpose, and not just events…meaning, and not just effort…destiny, and not just destination…doubts and fears, and not just frustrations…the grace of god, and not just religion…truth, and not just the church…heart and passion, and not just personal goals.

i have some of those people.  i want more.  i need more.

how about you?  do you live deep below the surface…or are you skimming?  what are you offering to others?  what are you requiring of others?

go deeper.  now.

Axioms…from my perspective

i’ve decided to dedicate thursdays to giving some of my personal life axioms…truth that, from my perspective, is self-evident.  sometimes practical.  sometimes philosophical.  sometimes whimsical.  but truth, no less.

“fun is not what you’re doing, but who you’re with.”

we live in a culture that values fun and having a good time more than just about any other value.  “will it be fun?” has been the question that has driven generations of kids for my entire life.  i know there was a time in our culture (years ago) where things like work ethic and the common good and civic duty and even the right thing were values that motivated us.  but not so much in my lifetime…and definitely not in the majority of kids i have worked with through years.

i think i can say, with great confidence, that we have pretty much missed the point.

there is nothing wrong with fun.  it is important.  it is motivating.  it breathes life into situations.  when it is missing, is sucks away energy and drains us.

life is full of things that are not fun.  war is not fun.  surgery is not fun.  defeat is not fun.  losing a friend is not fun.  making a fool of ourselves is not fun.  a crushed dream is not fun.  death and separation are not fun.  need i go on? but that is why the time that is sandwiched between life’s painful realities needs to be fun.  and i’m all for it.

let’s just make sure we have the right perspective.

fun is not the activity.  fun is the fundamental attitude we can bring to almost any situation we find ourselves in…even some of the darkest ones.  fun needs to be found in the interactions we have with people.  fun is who i’m with. fun is being with good people.  fun is the expression of our god-given nature…it is living out the mandate that “it is not good for man to be alone.”

when i am living life with people…and i really mean with people…serving can be fun.  getting dirty can be fun.  failing can be fun.  being afraid can be fun.  going to a concert by a band we don’t like or eating at a restaraunt with food we don’t enjoy or watching a lame movie or visiting a suffering friend in the hospital or….or, or, or… can all be filled with fun.

it certainly takes a change of perspective, but laughter and enjoyment can be experienced just about anywhere and just about any time.

a thought about friendship

over the course of my lifetime, i’ve never chosen to walk away from a friendship…not a real friendship.

i’ve been hurt.  i’ve been in positions of vulnerability with people who did not have my best interest in mind.  i’ve even been in relationships with people who have hurt my family members.  But somewhere inside of me, i always left the door open for reconciliation.  some call me stupid for being that way, but it’s my orientation.  it’s part of my dna.  it’s how god has wired me.

i also know that throughout my lifetime, people have walked away from friendship with me.  not a lot, but frankly, one is too many!  maybe it was something i did…or didn’t do.  maybe it was because we didn’t share the same opinion on important issues.  perhaps, it was a decision that i made that created frustration or hurt or fear and they felt a line needed to be drawn and distance needed to be created.  maybe they lost respect for me.  maybe they thought i didn’t care.  maybe they perceived me to be a threat to their world.  maybe they could no longer trust me.  it could be they just don’t like me anymore…even though i think i’m an incredibly likeable fellow…

years ago, in my desire to do the right things for some friends i cared deeply about, i hurt them.  although  they were right on a number of counts, i still felt my motives were misunderstood and my actions were unfairly judged.  i was perceived as a threat and friendship was forever terminated.  no cracks in the door.  no opportunity for reconciliation.  

i learned a lot about myself that i have tried to change through that incident.  i feel i am a better man…a better brother…a better leader…and a better follower of christ because of what happened.  as painful as it was, i am grateful for the experience.

one of the things i vowed back then was never to close the door on a friendship and walk away.  although some would walk away from me, i would not walk away from them. i decided i would always make room for dialogue…honest dialogue…wherever there was a wall.  i know that even after honest attempts at keeping the door open, sometimes i will just have to let people move on.  But I will always keep the light on and the door cracked.  i love hope…

how about you?  have you ever walked away from a friendship?  why?

have you ever had a friend walk away from you without the opportunity to talk and understand?