Do you pass the test?

is your faith more than words?

can your commitment to christ stand the credibility test?

does your devotion to god ooze consistency?

do people…all people within your sphere of interaction…know that you love them?

how do they know it?

if i  speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, i am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  if i  have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, i am nothing.  if i give all i possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, i gain nothing.  1 corinthians 13:1-3

show me your faith without deeds, and i will show you my faith by what i do.   james 2:18

Marriage Tuesday

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.   Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her  to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,  and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.   Ephesians 5:22-27

there are a handful of passages in the bible that traditionally define marriage.  this is one of those passages.   and i think it’s time to rethink the tradition.  bear with me…

submission in marriage is critical.  i really believe it is the most important characteristic and without it, a marriage will never really become what god intended for it do be.  the problem is, well…our traditional understanding of this passage doesn’t help at all.

first of all, the most important part of the passage is seldom included when we begin to study these verses.  the section doesn’t begin with verse 22.  it actually begins with verse 21.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Ephesians 5:21

you see, the governing principle of every relationship…men and women…neighbors… friends…husbands and wives…is submission.

the act of submission, according to god’s word, is the act of placing the needs of another person above your own.  it is the voluntary surrendering of your will…your own rights, your own wants, your own power…for the good of another.  it was perfectly seen in the life (and death) of jesus.

it was carved out as the pattern for human relationships under the lordship of the one who set the example.  all of us who claim allegience to christ are to follow suit.  it is the divine blueprint for the foundation of human relationships.  and we are all expected to pursue it.

and not just wives.  it is the expected standard of behavior for husbands also!  true, the passage calls for husbands to love their wives, but look at the definition of love: “…as christ loved the church and gave himself for her…”

do you really think there is anything different between love and submission?  come on.  remember the definition for love?  love is not a feeling.  it is a decision to act in the best interest of another person.  it is a decision to place the needs of another before your own. so really, what’s the difference?

for centuries…as far back in history as i can research…it seems like christian wedding ceremonies have traditionally laid the responsibility for submitting on the wife. traditionally, it has been her job to submit to her husband’s plans…his dreams…his job…his decisions…his direction…his leading.

the problem is, the job of submitting in marriage is for both of us!

so what do you think?  and don’t shoot the messenger…

Marriage Tuesday

i think one of the first places where marriages can get off track is with a faulty understanding of love.

for the last thirty years, or so, i have asked the same question to dozens and dozens of young couples who have come to me to help them prepare for marriage.  it’s a simple question, but i’ve got to ask it, and the dialogue usually goes something like this:

“why do you want to get married?”

“because we love each other.”

“how do you know you love each other?”

“we just know.”

“but how do you know?”

“well, we can’t explain it, but we just know it.”

great.

stop the presses.  here’s an insight that deserves to be passed on.  love is not a feeling.

passion.  anger.  dread.  romance.  infatuation.  worry.  stress.  sympathy.  lust.  exhilaration.  emptiness.  you can make a pretty good case for all of those being feelings.

but not love.

i learned a long time ago that love is not a feeling.  love is a choice.  love is a decision.  love is an action.  love is not words.  love is not an impulse.  love does not tingle and send chills up your back.  love simply does the right thing.

love is a decision to act in the best interest of your partner.  love is choosing to do what your partner needs.  love is looking at the situation and saying, “this is not about what i want…it’s about what you need.”

i’m not saying there shouldn’t be feelings in a marriage.  far from it.  i think our marriages should be full of emotion and passion and warmth and over the top happiness. but that’s not the foundation we build our partnerships on.

we build on love.  the kind of love that moved god to send his son to redeem the world.  the kind of love that motivated jesus to go to the cross.  the kind of love that digs deep, stays long, presses on, runs on empty, doesn’t give up, endures through darkness, sees possibilities, and draws lines that are never crossed.

now that’s what marriages need.

husbands, do you love your wives?  wives, do you love your husbands?

Marriage Tuesday

here’s a lesson wanda and i learned the hard way:  you don’t get married out of “need”. and if you did, you need to fix that problem…quick.

when wanda first walked into my life, we were just teenagers.  she was beautiful, godly, intelligent, intuitive, disciplined, compassionate, honest…a girl who was a thousand times more than i ever dreamed would ever be interested in me.  but below the surface, there was deep hurt and insecurities from growing up in an alcoholic home…years of abuse and conditional love and a life of painful emotional scars.

i grew up as an only child in a home where my mother loved me…but served me, babied me, protected me, enabled me, and made me think that the world revolved around me.  my father was a typical man of the baby boom in the 50’s and 60’s.  a hard working hunter-gatherer who didn’t have much time for talking, feeling, or relating.  my mother served him, also…a cup of coffee waiting at the door at the end of the work day, dinner on the table, and no demands.  through that (and many other things), i became a self-centered, people-pleasing, rescuer.  i’ve battled it my whole life.

more importantly (for today’s discussion), i became a rescuer…of wanda.

our relationship was built, from the very beginning, on meeting each others needs.  that sounds so good…but it is so deadly.  wanda had huge unmet needs for belonging…for security…for protection…for healing…for self-confidence.  i had a huge need to be a knight in shining armor…to rescue and protect…to have my ego fed…to be in control and have someone depend on me.

sounds like a recipe for a perfect marriage, huh?  wrong.  so wrong.

when we look to people to fill needs in our life…the deepest needs of purpose and worth and belonging and security and significance…we are headed for failure.  why?  because people are not perfect.  they fail.  eventually.  sooner, usually, than later.

being the created, there are needs that can only be met by the creator.  we cannot look to people…not even our spouses or our parents or our children…to meet them.  that’s asking too much.

and my god will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in christ jesus.  philippians 4:19

once we start understanding this, life…and marriage…can be different.

• wanda does not meet my need for a purpose in life.  i find that in my calling from god.
• i cannot meet wanda’s need for security…not perfectly.  she can only find that in a relationship with the one who can never ever fail her.
• wanda cannot meet my need to have someone depend on me.  that comes from a twisted self-centeredness.  what i really need is to simply be a servant.
• i cannot meet wanda’s need for healing.  that can only be met by a healer.

when we look at our spouses to provide the things that only god is designed to provide, we set our spouses…and ourselves…up for failure.

in the earliest years of our marriage, my failures to live up to her expectations led to her jealousy, frustration, loneliness, conflict and withdrawal.  her failures to be what i needed her to be led to my judgment, anger, emptiness, disappointment and alienation.

(it was at this point in our marriage…around years two and three…that we had the loving, but determined, involvement of others move into our lives for discipline and accountability.  without it, i don’t think we would have figured this out on our own.  we were too young and stupid!)

that doesn’t mean we don’t give our spouses our best and continue to grow and develop and deepen.  it simply means that we have to place responsibility where it belongs.

we have the capacity, by god’s design and presence, to be strong, confident, independent, loving, giving, serving, bold, forgiving, consistent, disciplined, honest, committed, dependable, secure, loving, healed and purposeful…and god may even use your spouse to build those characteristics in your life.

but your spouse was never, ever designed to meet the primary needs of personal worth, security, confidence, significance and purpose in your life.  your marriage was never designed to define you, give you meaning, or fill holes in your life.

marriage is designed to be the icing on the cake of your life…not the cake, itself!

Axioms…from my perspective

i’ve decided to dedicate thursdays to giving some of my personal life axioms…truth that, from my perspective, is self-evident.  sometimes practical.  sometimes philosophical.  sometimes whimsical.  but truth, no less.

“treat people well…whether they deserve it or not.”

we interact with people everyday. it takes just as much effort to be aloof, self-centered, rude, mean, or disinterested as it does to be a gracious, friendly, nice person. to be honest, grace is always better.

that whole golden rule thing comes into play here.  somehow, it is so easy to convince ourselves that we are better than others…as if we are never aloof, self-absorbed, crabby, cynical, short, smug, angry, unkind, impatient…need i go on?  on those days when we don’t have our “a” game together, we want…no, need, grace.  why wouldn’t that be true of others?

an old italian proverb says, “he that will have none but a perfect brother must resign himself to remain brotherless.” man, that is so true!  the list of those that are perfect is a short one.  why do we have such a difficult time remembering that?

a.w. tozer once said, “to treat an imperfect brother impatiently is to advertise our own imperfections.” i’m no ad man, but i am in the “pr” business…and there is no way i want my shortcomings broadcasted on a billboard in my world.  i know i’m imperfect.  so does everyone else.  but that’s no excuse for grabbing a megaphone and screaming, “look, i’m an idiot!!”

better to extend grace, love freely, and treat others the way i want to be treated…not the way i deserve.

i love baseball. i really do. but…

i’ve got a whole lotta opinions about this a-rod thing.   there are few people who have a greater love and respect for this game than i do.  i’m not saying i have more than others…just few that have more than i.  that’s just the way it is.

baseball, as i was raised with it, is dead.  it has been for years.  a 162-game season changed it.  the designated hitter changed it.  pete rose betting changed it.  steinbrenner’s wallet changed it.  technology changed it.  replays changed it.  and i’m a guy that’s not against change!

i love change.  i love change for change sake.  change keeps things fresh.  change moves us from good to better…and sometimes to best.  but not for baseball.  but i’m a realist.

i still love baseball.  i love the purity and the mysticism of the game.  i love the unwritten rules.  i love that you can look at the way a guy stands or holds his bat or adjusts his cup or how he takes care of his glove…and know whether he is a real baseball player or not.

the zen of baseball is ulitmately unexplainable, but absolutely knowable.  you’ve either got it or you don’t.

but baseball, as we know it, has changed.  it’s a business.  it’s entertainment.  it is the perfect sport wrapped in a contract.  we need to stop thinking it is more than that.  ballplayers are not role models.  they do not live for moral perfection.  we shouldn’t expect it from them.  they shouldn’t use steroids, but they shouldn’t be playing for ungodly amounts of money either.

in a sport driven by greed and not by the love of the game, why are we so picky about other sins…like cheating to get a competitive edge or betting on the side.  why are we not as uptight about the blatant racism in management or ballplayers who cheat on their wives with baseball groupies at away games or the heartless disregard of a young player who no longer performs as expected?  hypocrisy is everywhere.

i say leave a-rod alone.  he cheated.  he got caught.  he apologized.  he probably won’t do it again.  let him collect his bizillions and pay his alimony and drive his bentley and find a new supermodel or rock star to date.  sheesh.  he’s been through enough already…

real baseball is alive and well.  you just have to look for it carefully.  but it’s there.

Papiview

melissa is an amazing mom.  it happened immediately.  instantaneously.  in a blink of an eye…or cut of a scapel, as it were.

i’m not surprised.  but i am overwhelmed.  for nearly nine months, holden camped out in her belly.  i know they had numerous conversations that always felt one-way, but they were clearly dialogue.  each day, as she awaited his coming out party, i know she pictured what it would be like.  she imagined holding him and seeing his face and smelling his baby odor and touching skin she had only read about.  i know she wondered what it would feel like to be a mom.

melissa is an amazing mom.  she doesn’t have to wonder anymore.  the mystery is reality.  being a mom is her nature.  it is her calling.  i watch her and i’m blown away by the look in her eye when she checks him out…by the sound of her voice when she talks to him…the gentle ease she has when she responds to his need.  yup…she’s got it going on.

melissa is an amazing mom.  call it instinct.  call it her nature.  call it preparation.  call it good examples to learn from. call it whatever you want.  i’ll just say she was made for this.  her attention to detail.  her passion for his well-being.  the unconditional love that pours out of her to him. the uncontainable joy she finds in her newfound identity.  there is no question that god has wired her for this.  did i already say that melissa is an amazing mom?

i suppose you could be sitting there and saying, “she’s just like every other new mom.”  well, pardon my humble, myopic, and clearly biased opinion…but my grandson is has the best mom i could have ever dreamed of him having.

Thoughts on grandfatherhood…

i’ve had a lot of people ask me, especially other men, what it’s like becoming a grandfather.  i’m not sure i can write it all at one time, so i’ll give you some insights…a little at a time.

i think the coolest thing has been how much i love watching my son hold his son.  i could sit for hours and watch them.  there’s something mystically intergenerational going on in my heart when i experience the moment.  he’s holding this little life that looks, feels, smells, and sounds identical to what he did…26 years ago.

i see myself in him.  fear and confidence wrapped up together.  ignorance being replaced by daddy aptitude on the fly.  what was unknown and obviously unnatural just 27 days ago,  has been replaced by a comfortable and effortless instinct.  he is gentle and careful without being over-protective or smothering.

he holds his son with assurance and poise…without apprehension.  there is no panic when he cries and no hint of intrusion when a diaper needs to be changed.  the look of love in his eyes when he stares into holden’s face is genuine and unpretentious.  his protection is innate and fierce.  i can see it on his face and hear it in his voice.

i take it back.  i don’t see myself in him.  i see something better.  much better.

A little introspection

i’m getting ready to preach this morning.  the topic is love.  probably one of the most popular sermon topics preached around the world today.  i wouldn’t have chose it, but since i’m preaching through the book of 1 john, it comes up pretty regularly.

i always get the feeling that when i teach about love, people are saying in the back of their minds, “yeah, yeah, yeah…i’ve heard this a bizillion times…tell me something i don’t know.”  i’m not so sure i don’t feel the same way most of the time.

the problem is, no matter how many times i have preached and taught on love, i know that i still struggle with it.  i can’t even comprehend the love of god, let alone imitate it!  when i am commanded to love my brother, i’m generally ok with that, as long as there is some kind of reciprocation.  when i am rejected, ignored, gossiped about, turned on, lied to, withheld from, slandered, judged, hurt, disregarded, …well, that’s another story.

my prayer today is that even if nobody else listens to my sermon, i will.

Getting ready for Father’s Day

i read an article this morning about the plight of fatherlessness in our nation.  the number of single moms in our culture is staggering.  it is a problem that screams with a loud voice and has gathered the attention of lawmakers, civic leaders, school districts, and just about every other part of society.  i don’t mean to cheapen this problem, though, but i want to offer another observation.

as bad as this problem is, i wonder why we don’t have people standing up and screaming about the atrocities of dads who don’t show up to their kid’s games…and dads who work long hours to provide stuff that money can buy, but seem to avoid providing the things that money can’t buy…and dads who don’t date their kid’s moms anymore…and dads who expect the church to train their kids in matters of discipleship and spirituality…and dads who communicate more with the television than they do to their own kid’s hearts?

is father’s day a good day for you?