Marriage Tuesday

by and large, we americans are goal oriented people.

it seems as if we were born to compare and compete.  beauty pagents and taks scores and state football championships… pay raises and new homes and retirement plans.  we are consumed with the future.

“what are you going to be when you grow up?”

“what college are you planning to attend?”

“what are some changes you need to make in your life?”

goals.  we’re all about goals.

so here’s the marriage question for this tuesday:  what’s the goal of your marriage?

i’m not asking about your marriage goals...for your finances and your house and your kids and your next vacation.  i’m not talking about goals to be happy or to move to a nicer community or to hike the himalayas together.  those are marriage goals.

i want you to think about the goal of your marriage.

what do you want your marriage to be?

what kind of statement do you want your marriage to make to your children?

what do you want people to think of when they consider your marriage?

how will your marriage honor god?

what will people learn about god when they come close to your marriage?

what kind of influence will your marriage have?

how will your marriage reflect values of the kingdom?

what kind of legacy do you want your marriage to leave?

your answers to these questions will define the goal of your marriage.

i think it might be time to raise the bar.

Day 4 – Divorce

i’m not claiming to know all there is to know about divorce.  i’ve never gone through one.  i’ve never known the pain and the struggle and the confusion and the guilt and the feelings of hopelessness that so many have told me about through the years.

i’ve walked with dozens and dozens of kids (over the past 37 years) who have agonized over their parent’s divorce and labored through feelings of blame and misplaced responsibility…not to mention the loss, competition, anger, separation, and anxiety that accompanies the drama.

for those that i have talked to, prayed with, and counseled through, the failure is overwhelming.   and for many, the distance and separation from god is crushing.

so it is with great care and tremendous sympathy that i will offer these closing words on divorce.

as i said yesterday, jesus’ most profound words on marriage occur in matthew 19.  so do his most profound words on divorce.

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator `made them male and female,’  and said, `For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ ?  So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.  I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”  Matthew 19:3-9

jesus’ answer about divorce?  no.  period.  don’t mess with what god has cemented together.  don’t even think about it.  don’t let it into the conversation.  never. ever. no matter what.

“but what about____________?”

“what if____________is happening?”

“surely god doesn’t want me to suffer with ______________, does he?”

sorry.  same answer.  jesus is nothing, if not consistent.

so they ask him, “why did moses command divorce?  didn’t he get the laws directly from god?”

jesus speaks the words that should penetrate us to the core.  he says the reason that people get divorces is because their hearts grow hard…cold…faithless.  these words are dark and ugly.  and true.

divorce happens because people give up.  there may be callousness and resentment.  there may be abuse and neglect.  there may be cheating and distance and walls.  there may be loneliness.  there may be emptiness and love has long since left the building.

but make no mistake.  whatever the reason…whatever the excuse…whatever the rationale or justification…jesus says it boils down…always boils down to one thing:  hearts grow hard.

divorce happens because hearts grow hard and cold and empty and people just stop believing that god is big enough to make a difference.  hardness of heart causes people to grow indifferent and faithless.  it causes people’s faith to shrink and they start trusting their own logic and the wisdom of well-meaning, but deceived friends.  and the marriage dies.

are people ever better off because they have divorced?  some.  at least they sure look like it to me.

people come to me (as the priest, pastor, resident theologian, spokesman for god) and want my “blessing” for their divorce and possible remarriage. it is not mine to give…and i will never give it. people want the bible to say something it doesn’t say. marriage is for life…under any and every circumstance.  divorce always falls short of god’s ideal. always. it hurts to say it. it hurts to admit it.

in my opinion, a follower of christ should never, ever initiate divorce. a follower of christ can remain separated in a difficult marriage, but not divorce, in order to give god time to work in the hearts of both parties.  if one partner pursues the divorce and moves on, i would, only then, accept the reality of the end of the marriage.

jesus seems to give a “loophole” for divorce. but it also seems to me that he is not saying we should pursue divorce in the case of unfaithfulness…merely that it could be legally done under the law of moses.

on a practical level, i never counsel any believer to initiate divorce. it’s not my place to do that. for me to tell them (or bless them) to initiate divorce is equal to me telling them there is no hope and that god is impotent in their relationship. i won’t do that. nor will i tell them not to initiate.  i simply try to speak the truth as i see it and stand by them after they have made their choices.

that’s not to say that i haven’t been secretly relieved or supportive of a handful of godly people who have gone ahead and initiated divorce.  life is complicated.

honestly, there is much more to say about divorce.  that’s why there are so many books written on the subject by men and women much smarter than i am.  if you still want more information, i can recommend some good authors.  if you want to talk, let me know.  if you are struggling in your marriage, tell someone who will come along side you, point you to the words of god, and hold you accountable.

this has been good.  we’ll tackle another difficult topic down the road sometime.

Day 3 – Divorce

for me, the most compelling teaching about divorce in the bible are the words that jesus spoke in matthew 19:

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator `made them male and female,’  and said, `For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ ?  So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.  I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”   Matthew 19:3-9

here are a few observations:

the first is the biggest and the foundation of any teaching or understanding we should have about divorce.  it is the heart of god on marriage.  in other words, you want to know what god thinks about divorce?  that’s the wrong question.  we need to be asking what he thinks about marriage!

the bible states that, according to god,  marriage is a uniquely created union that can only exist between a male and a female who leave their parents and forge a new union as husband and wife.  before that, they were individuals…free beings who could choose their own course without considering how their decisions would affect the life and future of a partner. but marriage changes that.

the two become one.  this relationship is not conditional.  it is permanent.  it is binding.  god says that the two, the man and the woman, become one flesh. the hebrew concept of the mingling of souls…the pressing together of bodies, hearts, minds, wills, and dreams.

to separate a marriage is like trying to “un-mix” two different balls of playdough after they have been rolled together and kneaded into a completely different shade…or trying to separate the individual ingredients of cake batter after it has come out of the mixing bowl…or attempting to put paint back to its original colors after two color tints have been combined, mixed, shaken and sealed in a can.  it’s absolutely crazy to think we would ever attempt to do these things…and that’s how crazy the concept of divorce is to god!

marriage…according to the heart and intent of god…is something that he brings together.  how dare we mess with something…destroy something…rip something apart…that god, himself, is the author and giver of?  i’m afraid that some of us need to rethink the whole concept of marriage before we dare undermine what god is doing.  maybe a thorough understanding of what marriage is would keep us from entering into it so casually in the first place.

second, as a point of reference, this passage makes it clear that god did not create, command, teach, institute, or even validate divorce.  in the law of moses in the old testament (which god delivered to moses), it merely states that god permitted divorce.  it was something that was happening, and god gave them a law to regulate it and give it definition and consequence.

finally, jesus states the only reason…the one and only reason that divorce ever happens.

this is getting good.  more tomorrow.

More on divorce

here is some more to ponder today…

divorce is one of those topics that will always be debated…especially when one wants to know “exactly” what the bible has to say about it.   on one hand, the topic is so complex and buried in jewish history and culture, it is virtually impossible to know “exactly” what is meant.   even the different rabbinical “schools” of interpretation of the jewish talmud have strong differences of opinion.

the law, in the OT, states:  if a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce… Deut. 24:1   the differences of opinion center on the real meaning of “something indecent”.  frankly, nobody really knows.  more than likely, it probably meant anything the husband didn’t like.  that was just the culture they lived in.

so when divorce first appears in the bible, the practice was already in existence.  what god did through moses was to regulate divorce in order to prevent its abuse to keep a bad situation from becoming worse.  the fact that god did not lay down a specific law in the pentateuch prohibiting divorce showed his realistic approach to our failure.   it shows how god is always willing to work on behalf of those who fail to live up to his ideal for them.

as you read yesterday, the NT doesn’t have a ton to say about divorce  either… and most of it is in relationship to the OT law.

in matthew 5 ,  it seems that Jesus makes allowance for divorce in the case of marriage unfaithfulness, but, honestly, we don’t really know exactly what Jesus meant when he used the word porneia:

“It has been said, `Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness (porneia), causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. Matthew 5:31-32

porneia has various meanings and bible interpreters and commentators have translated it many ways.  there is no consistency each time the word porneia appears in the NT, changing from passage to passage and translation to translation: unchastity, infidelity, marriage unfaithfulness, homosexuality, fornication, sexual perversion, immorality…even the sexual defilement in idolatry. the only common theme is that is always refers to something sexual.

a historical perspective is that marriage unfaithfulness in NT times…most often referred to sex with someone else  during the engagement (betrothal) period.  the betrothal in those days was a period where the couple would separate for as long as a year, in order to prepare themselves for marriage.  no contact with each other.  definitely no sexual contact…with each other or anybody else.

also, we have to recognize that jesus is giving new insight to the OT law for his hearers.  honestly, it must have been shocking for them to hear what he had to say.  right before his statement on divorce, he blows them away with a “new” definition of adultery:

“You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery.’  But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.  Matthew 5:27-28

there is no question that jesus is teaching them that the sacredness and holiness of marriage extends, not just to action and behavior, but deep into our thoughts, intents, motives, and feelings.  to me, it seems that jesus wants us to understand that faithfulness in marriage encompasses every part of our existence…and not just the act.

like i said before, this topic is more complex than meets the eye, and we always need to be careful whenever we say “the bible says…” sometimes it’s not that simple.

more on divorce tomorrow.

Marriage Tuesday

a number of weeks ago, i had a friend who called me into a dialogue about divorce.  her questions were perceptive and we carried on an email exchange that was good for both of us.  as a result of that dialogue, i went back to the bible to study the topic again to make sure that my beliefs were still aligned with what god says.

when it comes down to it, all of us are faced with the same dilemma:  where do i go for truth?  who do i trust to give me the wisdom i need to face life?  is there some kind of objective standard for right and wrong, or am i simply left to live off my feelings and my personal life education and experience?

for me, i choose god’s word.  i have no where else to go.  i refuse to trust my own judgment.  the scriptures are where i go for the definition i need for every critical life value and purpose for my life.  it is where i go for my understanding of divorce.

in the old testament, the law of moses tells the people of god of the consequences of divorce:

If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, 2 and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, 3 and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, 4 then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the LORD. Do not bring sin upon the land the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance.  Deuteronomy 24:1-4

in malachi, the prophet speaks of god’s real attitude about divorce:

“I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel… Malachi 2:14

in the new testament, jesus gives some additional insight to our understanding of divorce:

“You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery.’  But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

“It has been said, `Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’  But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.   Matthew 5:27-28, 31-32

and also a little later:

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator `made them male and female,’  and said, `For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ ?  So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.  I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”  Matthew 19: 3-9

that’s it from jesus.

so before i give my thoughts, take a day and consider what you have read and measure what you believe about divorce against it.

i’ll return to this tomorrow…

Marriage Tuesday

i’ve got a few more minutes left before my tuesday turns into wednesday, so here goes…

tuesday night is bowling night for mike and wanda and a bunch of other crazy adults from north point.  here are some lessons about marriage that i observed while the party went on at our local bowling alley tonight:

“you have to learn to laugh at yourself” – truth is, we are not the greatest bunch of bowlers in the world.  with the exception of a few, we stink it up pretty regularly.  but there is a ton of laughter going on!  we make a lot of mistakes in our marriages…say a lot of dumb things…do a lot of things we’d rather forget.  but we need to cut ourselves and our partners some slack.  none of us are really very “good” at marriage.  laughter is some of the sweetest medicine available.

“handicaps are good things” – in our league, we all get handicaps.  if you don’t know what it means, let me just say that it is a way of scoring so that it keeps everybody on the same level.  those who don’t bowl so well get higher handicaps to raise their scores.  those who are better bowlers have lower handicaps and their scores have to stand more on their own.  we all bring handicaps to our marriages.  we all have weaknesses, and its our weaknesses that make us strong, because only the weak…the imperfect…the needy…can truly understand the grace of god.  in marriage, neither partner is better.  both stand on equal footing before a holy god

“stay out of the gutter” – i’m pretty sure we bowl more gutter balls than we do strikes in our league!  it’s as if we have momentary lapses of judgment and actually think that the gutter is an acceptable place to be.  in our marriages, we have to stay out of the gutter.  there are places and people and activities that must be avoided, if we are going to hold our marriages as sacred and protected.  i’m not going to amplify.  you know what i’m talking about!

“it’s all about the team” – we have four-person teams.  our score is a collective score.  if one person bowls poorly, it’s up to the other members of the team to pick him up.  when all is said and done, it really doesn’t matter what we each bowl individually (unless you’re on my team…you have to be there to understand this one).  all that matters is what the final total is when all the scores are added up.  i see a lot of individuality and selfishness and independence in marriages these days.  we all need a heavy dose of what it really means to become one flesh. marriage is all about merging of two into one.  anything short of that is not really marriage.

“make the investment in good equipment” – last year, some of my friends gave me a gift so i could buy my own bowling ball.  it’s finally starting to pay off!  i really am starting to bowl better (i bowled a 204 tonight…).  i still have to work at it, but good equipment really makes a difference.  people…there are so many awesome resources out there that can help your marriages!  there are so many great books and tapes and online sources of marriage education its ridiculous.  there are workshops and conferences and radio programs.  there are gifted and godly counselors and clinics for deeper problems.  even our own church family is full of good people who are more than willing to come and stand with you and fight for your marriage, if you’d only ask.

“good shoes mean everything” – one of the worst parts about recreational bowling is the idea of slipping your foot into bowling alley’s rental shoes.  what do you really know about the feet that have been in there before yours?  scary.  i love having my own shoes.  they are comfortable.  they fit me.  there’s no disease inside.  putting my bowling shoes on makes everything about bowling go better.  what’s the foundation of your marriage?  what are basic commitments you have made to each other that you build on every day?  what are the vows you made?  what are the truths that are timeless?  maybe its time to remember…

“keeping score is not all that important” – yeah, we keep score every week. but in the end, nobody really cares who wins and loses.  but what does matter is that we all walk out as friends…even better friends than we were before the evening began.  marriage is never about winning and losing.  marriage is not about competition.  score is never to be kept.  past mistakes are to be forgotten and sins forgiven.  no scorecards.  no standings.  no defeats.  only victory.

“there are no perfect games” – at least in our league there’s not!  we all fall short.  dale gets on a roll every now and then and we all start looking at those “Xs” going up on the screen…but sure enough, he falls short of perfection just like the rest of us.  (for the record, we’re all pulling for him…and i think he may just do it one of these weeks…). there are no perfect marriages.  no perfect husbands.  no perfect wives.  no perfect households or budgets or parents or kids.  just imperfect people relying on a perfect god for grace and mercy.

“just sitting and talking is a great thing” – if you’re stuck bowling with the farras,  one thing you’ll quickly figure out is that we spend more time talking with our friends than we do actually bowling.  our team name is “you’re up”…in honor of the constant reminder to pay attention because its one of our turns to shut up and get our behinds up to the lane and bowl.  oh well.  it’s the way i’m wired.  and its the way our marriages should be wired, also.  seldom is there anything more important…more needed…more appreciated…more foundational…than sitting and talking with our partner.  its oxygen for our marriages.  without it, we suffocate and die.

“hit your mark” - there are little marks on the floor for where you need to put your feet as you begin your approach  and prepare to release the ball.  there are also other marks about fifteen feet down the lane for you to aim at as you roll your ball.  they are guides to help you get the ball in right spot when your toss is finished.  what are your “marks” for your marriage?  what are your goals?  do you talk with each other about your dreams and visions and expectations for the life you share?  do you know what god expects of you?  you can’t build a godly marriage without hitting your marks.

“remember to follow through” – its a simple, but easily overlooked part of bowling mechanics.  when you release the ball, you need to bring your throwing arm back in order to create momentum…swing it forward to propel it down the lane…and finish with your throwing arm higher than your head.  it keeps you from aiming the ball and drifting from side to side.  it also keeps your ball going in the direction you want it to go.  ultimately, without a good follow through, you are never going to succeed in bowling.  the same is true in our marriages.  you can talk…plan…exchange wedding vows…read books…go to marriage classes…whatever.  but if you don’t follow through on your commitments, it means nothing.

so there you have it.  probably more than you ever wanted to know about bowling…but maybe something worth remembering about marriage.

Marriage Tuesday

there’s a blog i read every now and then written by a young(ish) pastor somewhere in arizona.  it sounds like one of those hip, trendy, new church plants that are happening all over the place these days.  he’s a good writer and has some fresh insights to pass along.

usually.

except for this one.  this one just needs to stop.  he has issued a “30 Day Sex Challenge” to his church family.

the idea is for married couples to go through a devotional guide and have sex with each other every day for 30 days…and for single people to abstain from all things sexual and go through a separate devotional guide for 30 days.

this is not a new idea.  a church in florida did it a couple of years ago (and got a lot of press for it).  a popular church in our neck of the woods did their version of it…and it drew national attention!  i’m sure there are other churches that have tried something similar.

no matter how many times i hear of it, i’m still troubled by it.

i’m all for couples studying together.  i’m all for growing deeper and stronger marriages.  i’m all for sex, too.  i’m also all for single people drawing lines and abstaining from opening the door to explicit sexuality issues before they get married (1 corinthians 6:18).

but there’s something about reducing the act of sexual intercourse to an item on our daily to do list that cheapens it.

brush teeth?  check.

walk the dog?  check.

take out the trash?  check.

have sex?  check.

make the bed?  check.

no.  this is wrong.  on so many levels.

if it is true that men are wired differently than women and we need to have sex more often (i have serious reservations about the veracity of this assumption, by the way), it looks to me like we’re telling women that they have a greater responsibility to “put out”, than the man has to be sensitive and understanding.

if there’s not enough sex in a marriage to satisfy, i don’t think the answer is to “do it repetitively for 30 days…whether you like it or not”.   i’ve heard the teaching that says if you do anything for 30 days, it will become a habit.  count me out.  i don’t ever want my sex life to be reduced to doing sit ups or eating vegetables.

if your sexual relationship is not satisfying (to one or both of you), the answer is not to go through the motions and hope it will change.  the answer will only be found when you begin to talk to each other about it.  dissatisfaction in your sexual relationship can come from literally hundreds of reasons…emotional, physical, family, spiritual, unrealistic expectations, anger, fear, stress, detachment, psychological scarring…you name it!

healing may need to take place.  honesty and candor need to replace silence and embarrassment.  when you bow before jesus and acknowledge him as lord and savior, does his kingdom rule extend to your bedroom?  maybe it’s time to open up that discussion.  maybe it’s time to invite wise counsel into your lives.

talking and listening and understanding and forgiving…the  extending of grace and patience…now that’s a start.

what’s holding you back?

addendum to marriage tuesday…

this morning, i re-read what i wrote yesterday and feel a need to add something to it before next week.

as highly as i think of the sexual intimacy that god designed for a husband and wife,  i don’t want to leave the impression that it is what marriage is all about or that sex is what defines a relationship.  nor do i believe that sexual gratification is the goal of being human.

while i am choosing to write about great sex between a husband and wife, i recognize this topic may be painful for some…and it is with some reservation and sensitivity that i wade into the topic.

some of your marriages may be struggling right now and developing your sexual intimacy is not the biggest thing you need right now.

some of you may have lost your spouses and this discussion is simply too painful to read.  my heart goes out to you.

some of you are unmarried and talking about this topic can run the risk of creating fantasy if it is not entered into with an attitude of sacred.

some of you may be happily married, but your sex life is not what it used to be and you are content with how that has changed.

some of you have experienced a sexual relationship outside of marriage and this discussion is causing you guilt or frustration.

but no matter where you are at on the sex continuum, it’s still super important to talk about it…and do our best to get it right.

my goal is not to make you feel guilty or frustrate you or create feelings of disappointment or failure…but to inspire you!  i want to talk about a topic that is (or at least should be) important to all of us.  and as i speak about the worth and value of a great and godly sexual relationship, please know that i am working to do this with sensitivity and compassion to the place in life you find yourself.

Marriage Tuesday

it’s time to take marriage tuesday in a different direction.  i’ve enjoyed the study and discussions about headship, submission and male/female roles. i hope it’s been good for you.  we’ll revisit it again sometime…

let’s go down a different road for a few weeks.  let’s talk about…gulp…sex.

i’m going to start this whole thing off with a warning.  i intend for this to have a “pg-13 rating”.  i plan to say some things that i might not say in a sermon on sunday mornings…not because they shouldn’t be said, but because there may  be some kids in our audience on sunday mornings who might not be able to handle the frankness of the topic.  there’s a time and a place for this discussion.  this will be a place for some of it.

here is my beginning point.  pay careful attention.  sexual intimacy between a husband and a wife is supposed to be a good thing.  a really good thing. it is supposed to be anticipated. it is supposed to be over-the-top fun.    it’s not just for making babies.

hear this: if your sexual relationship with your spouse is uncomfortable, painful, confusing, ignored, unpleasant, blah, embarrassing, awkward, or avoided… there is a problem. and it can happen to anyone.

some newlyweds never get the hang of it.  the sexual exploits talked about in the locker room or portrayed in the movies never quite become a reality.  busyness gives way to exhaustion.  a bad experience can permanently scar.  puritanical church teaching damages our expectations.  parents don’t give the talk. the sexual act produces a baby, but kills the sex drive…not to mention the effects of late-night feedings.

couples with young children are constantly drained.  no money.  no time.  no energy.  no privacy.  no sex.

bad theology and cultural expectations place the responsibility on the woman to provide and service to her hunter-gatherer-provider-hero-protector-spiritual leader-husband.  beer commercials (and a thousand other examples) have taught men that it is normal to objectify women (even our own wives) and see their role as our libido satisfiers.

we are now taught that it is entirely acceptable for men and women to fulfill their sexual fantasies on the internet…through sexually explicit websites and chat rooms.  our culture is now telling us that’s what normal people do.

the older we get, the more demanding life can be.  teenagers.  bills.  work.  managing a home.  fixing the rain gutters.  college.  have a “date night”??? just get me to my recliner…

the “empty nest” is supposed to be the coolest time ever for a couple, but for many, there are just years and years of slowly growing apart…not investing in the relationship…not addressing the most important issues…and the couple is left with nothing but…an empty nest.

before we go too far, let’s make something perfectly clear.  the purpose of marriage is not to have great sex.  nor is it to populate the planet or perpetuate your family name.  the purpose of marriage is not to create financial stability or provide emotional security.

the purpose of marriage is to bring honor to god and point people to the greatness of kingdom living.  the purpose of marriage is to shape us into people that reflect the nature and character of jesus.  it is a place for us to experience the effect of promise-keeping in our lives.

but make no mistake.  healthy sexual intimacy is designed to play a huge role in accomplishing that purpose.  and when the sexual relationship with our partner is unfulfilling, it can (and will) have an effect on every other part of our marriage.  likewise, when our sexual relationship is healthy, fun, robust, anticipated and mutually enjoyed…you can bet that it will have a positive effect…on just about everything!

let me give you an assignment.  if you think your sexual relationship with your spouse could be better, i want to recommend a book for you both to read.  it’s frank.  it’s explicit.  it’s funny.  it’s very open.  it’s written by a christian counselor.

you won’t agree with everything he says.  i don’t.  but he says things that need to be said and opens up paths of dialogue that could transform your relationship with your spouse.

no matter if you are newly married or oldsters with blood that still flows,  you should read this book.  together.  out loud, if you dare.  lay aside your christians-don’t-talk-about-this-stuff attitude and move out closer to the edge.  good things can happen when we take risks.

if your relationship with your spouse is secretly stale, cold, or dying…don’t give up.  give this a shot.  and we’ll talk about it here.  who knows?  maybe god is big enough to make a difference!

here’s the book:

it’s called “sheet music”, by kevin leman.  you can order it from amazon right here…or you can get it from the local christian bookstore.  whatever you do, just get it.

remember, there are explicit, controversial, and potentially uncomfortable topics.  there are issues i have with a few things.  but overall, this is one of the best books that i have come across that lays it all out there.

you won’t regret this.

i can’t wait for next tuesday.

Marriage Tuesday

i’m gonna take one more shot at trying to put a practical spin on this whole headship-submission thing.  here are some things i believe:

• submission to each other is the most christlike characteristic of all relationships (ephesians 5:21)
• wives are to submit to their husbands (ephesians 5:22)
• by god’s design, the husband is the head of the wife (ephesians 5:23)
• the husband’s headship must be defined by christ, not by culture (ephesians 5:24)
• headship does not mean master, boss, tyrant, authoritarian, or dominant coercive force
• headship never implies control or restriction
• headship is not about the husband being assertive and the wife being suppressed
• headship does not mean the husband has greater value, intelligence or innate ability
• headship does not mean the man is the tribal chief, the family manager, or the one who has superior rights or privileges
• headship does not mean the husband is active and the wife is passive
• headship does not mean the husband is the voice and the wife is the silent partner
• headship does not mean the husband is the decision maker, problem solver, goal setter or director of everyone else in the family
• headship does not mean priest, pastor, or even spiritual leader (the concept of the husband as the “spiritual leader”is a popular one.  sounds really…uh, spiritual.  but i’ve got some concerns about what’s implied, especially since those words are not even in the bible.  i’m going to write about “spiritual leadership” in the home and marriage next tuesday…)

don’t rush to judgment too quickly, if my words are new to you or don’t fall neatly in line with the traditional church party line.  i’ve spent my entire adult life studying scripture and weighing different interpretations and points of view from dozens of learned theologians and practitioners (both men and women) whom i admire and respect deeply.

most importantly, i’ve spent the past 34 years married to wanda…a woman who is very much my equal in every area of life that matters…and vastly superior in many of them.  she is my best case example of why my position on male headship takes more of a moderate approach…rather than the strict husband-is-the-spiritual-leader position that many hold.  again…more on that next week.

make no mistake, though. i believe, according to scripture, that i am the head of wanda.  to deny that would be to totally disregard the words of the apostle paul in his letters to the church in corinth and the church in ephesus.  but i believe my “headship” carries a very specific purpose.

as the head of my marriage, i believe it is my specific responsibility to be the protector of christlike submission in my relationship to wanda.  it is my job, even more than wanda’s, to make sure that humble service in love remains the defining characteristic of our union.  why??

• society and culture will undermine it - cultures have always perverted the relationships of men to women.  even in the days of abraham and moses…and all the way through the culture that jesus was born into…a daily  prayer for a jewish man was to thank god that he wasn’t born a gentile, a woman, or a dog.
• sin undermines it - since the beginning of time, one of the results of sin is that men will exert “rule” over women.  it is our sinful nature to take advantage of people.
• the created order undermines it – men have actually been taught that since they were created first, it gives them some sort of superiority over women.  geez, it doesn’t take much for a man to let things go to his “head”!!

because of sin, nobody “wants” to submit and serve.  we all want our own way.  we all want authority and control.  my job as the head of my marriage is to ensure that our relationship always reflects the nature and character of christ.  nothing more.

and nothing less.