Reality check

years ago,  when i used to play in the PCLSA  (professional church league softball association),  i could really dwell on my poor play.

having been an average baseball player in my youth,  i graduated to the PCLSA with little resistance.   i knew that if i had any real skill at the game,  i would have been playing college baseball…or at least the PBLSA-B League  (professional beer league softball association – b league).

as it was,  i never made it above the “c” level of beer league…

so i accepted my church league softball fate with class and dignity.   i never got overly competitive.   i didn’t expect my teammates  (most of whom never made it much past little league) to perform with a skill set above the bad news bears.   it was church league.

it was about fellowship.

yeah,  right.   until we played prince of peace lutheran.   i was never sure about the peace part of their name.

anyway,  being the only “paid” christian on the field always put the pressure on me to be meek and mild during the competition.   you know.   how jesus would have been in a jock strap and rubber cleats.   so i learned to keep my cool and play for fun.

stinking lutherans.   sorry.

downside of all this?   i suppose the competitive grit and athletic frustration that never showed on the field would get internalized and personalized.   any error i would commit at third base or ground out with the bases loaded would turn into fuel for insomnia that night,  as i would lay in bed and replay the loser episodes in my head again and again.

such is life for a chaplain in the PCLSA.

truth is,  i tend to beat myself up for most any mistake i make…big or small.   it doesn’t matter if forget somebody’s name…or say the wrong scripture reference in a sermon…or accidently hurt someone’s feelings…i will dwell on it for hours.   sometimes even days.

i know i’m not perfect.   in fact,  i’m not even remotely OCD…nor do i have even a hint of perfectionism in me.   no.   it comes from a life-long battle with self-worth and the constant conflict i carry inside,  to see myself the way god sees me…and not the way i think people see me.

so much to say on this topic.   more on this later.

for now,  i need to get back to remembering my old PCLSA days…

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One thought on “Reality check

  1. I thought it was just your competitive nature that you suppress at times. I’m glad I’m not the only one that does this.

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