Marriage Tuesday

i was watching tv  ( a news 11 report) the other night and a marriage expert said that keeping score could be a bad thing for your marriage.

no duh.

keeping score is death to a marriage.

there’s a common belief that marriage is a 50/50 proposition:

  • you do your part…i do mine.
  • you come this far…i’ll go that far.
  • these are my jobs…those are your jobs. 

even if we don’t say these words or consciously think these thoughts,  the attitudes and expectations can creep into our relationships.   it’s called keeping score.

you did the dishes.    he should bathe the kids.    he “works hard” all day.   you should have dinner on the table.   you’ve paid a bunch of compliments and you silently expect some in return.   for years,  you have thought “i feel like i’m the only one working hard in this marriage!”.  

the list could go on.   you get the point.

constantly reminding your spouse that they owe you something is a lose-lose.   making mental marks for every time you feel like you have done more than your spouse is a dead end street.   keeping score will ultimately lead to disappointment,  anger,  and broken communication.

tonight…i have nothing to say to women who are married to dead-beat husbands…men who forget birthdays and don’t help with the dishes and forgot how to pay compliments and sit like mush-brains while they watch sports on the tv.   tonight…i also don’t have anything to say to men who are married to women who constantly nag and complain behind their husband’s backs and shut down emotionally as payback.   maybe some other day.

tonight…i will say this:   marriage is not a 50/50.   marriage is nothing less than 100/100.   real marriage is when both partners pledge everything they have.   real love is not conditional.   love is selfless.   love…not the sappy,  emotional stuff we see in movies…but the kind we see when we look at the cross…is always about the other person.   it is placing the needs of our partner above our own.

it is humbly taking ourselves  out of the equation and giving full attention to what is best for our partner.

anything less is not love.

stop keeping score.


8 thoughts on “Marriage Tuesday

  1. You took the words out of my mouth. This should be ranked #1 on the “myths of marriage” board. #2-is “love is a feeling”.

  2. When Rotel and I had our weekly conversation on Marriage Tuesday via Bluetooth on the way home, we both agreed “no duh”. So I wonder if anyone went straight home and burned the scorecard?? That’s what I thought. Sinner. I have heard teammates of some of the strongest marriages “give the score” in the nicest way possible. Probably didn’t even realize what they were doing.

    IMO, I think the same part of the brain that fires off the score is same part of the brain that kicks in when you get cutoff on the freeway. Or when someone pulls into the parking space you are waiting to get. Do you blow it off and realize that no retaliation by you will result in anything good. Or do you go all out and give the human a piece of your mind.

    I think what really makes your post great is the section “tonight…i have nothing to say to women who are married to dead-beat husbands…. tonight…i also don’t have anything to say to men who are married to women…” You picked each other, dorks.

    When you are all lovely-dovey while dating, The Scorecard was ALWAYS kept in pencil.

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