keeping score is death to a marriage.
there’s a common belief that marriage is a 50/50 proposition:
- you do your part…i do mine.
- you come this far…i’ll go that far.
- these are my jobs…those are your jobs.
even if we don’t say these words or consciously think these thoughts, the attitudes and expectations can creep into our relationships. it’s called keeping score.
you did the dishes. he should bathe the kids. he “works hard” all day. you should have dinner on the table. you’ve paid a bunch of compliments and you silently expect some in return. for years, you have thought “i feel like i’m the only one working hard in this marriage!”.
the list could go on. you get the point.
constantly reminding your spouse that they owe you something is a lose-lose. making mental marks for every time you feel like you have done more than your spouse is a dead end street. keeping score will ultimately lead to disappointment, anger, and broken communication.
tonight…i have nothing to say to women who are married to dead-beat husbands…men who forget birthdays and don’t help with the dishes and forgot how to pay compliments and sit like mush-brains while they watch sports on the tv. tonight…i also don’t have anything to say to men who are married to women who constantly nag and complain behind their husband’s backs and shut down emotionally as payback. maybe some other day.
tonight…i will say this: marriage is not a 50/50. marriage is nothing less than 100/100. real marriage is when both partners pledge everything they have. real love is not conditional. love is selfless. love…not the sappy, emotional stuff we see in movies…but the kind we see when we look at the cross…is always about the other person. it is placing the needs of our partner above our own.
it is humbly taking ourselves out of the equation and giving full attention to what is best for our partner.
anything less is not love.
stop keeping score.