I don’t like what I see


What do you do when you look at yourself and you don’t like what you see?

Ever since my early twenties, I’ve been on a pretty reckless pursuit of self-awareness. Not the whole mystical, psycho-babble, zen kind of thing…but more of a determination to see myself accurately.

I desire to know myself well and be able to see what others see. I don’t want to be blindsided by my own emotions or reactions. I want to be fully in touch with what motivates me…moves me… Inspires me…or even crushes me.

I work hard to listen to conscience, because I believe that is where God speaks to me. I try never to listen to my heart, because it is deceptive and easily manipulated. Sometimes I get the two confused.

I know myself well enough to see things…huge things…that I don’t like and need to be changed.

Some days I know exactly what to do and I have the will to dig in and deal with all the sewage. Other days I have no heart or motivation to face the beasts. Still other days, I am happy simply living in denial.

Today, I have encountered all three. Go figure.

Every day, though, this truth wins out: Greater is he that is in me.

Hope that makes sense to you tonight…


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