Marriage Tuesday…and for everybody else, too.

if you’re not married, it doesn’t matter.  this post is for you, also.

if asked, the majority of people would say the most important words we can ever use in our marriages are “i love you.”  i disagree.

of far greater importance are the words, “i’m sorry.”

“i’m sorry” is a much louder and affirming version of “i love you.”  it speaks volumes.  it says we care.  it shows we see the bigger picture.  it affirms value.  it seldom needs further explanation.  when it is delivered with sincerity,  i cancels out wrong and can re-establish trust.

“i’m sorry” accepts blame.

an honest “i’m sorry” requires absolute humility…one of the greatest needs in any healthy relationship.  “i’m sorry” means that i’m the problem and you’re not.  “i’m sorry” says that i will take the responsibility for making things right and take you off the hook.

“i’m sorry” sets the table for forgiveness to take place.  it gives the other person the open door that is needed to wander back into a place where it was no longer safe.  “i’m sorry” creates breathing room.  “i’m sorry” says there are no surprises lurking behind that door.

i’m not talking about forced apology.  you know…the kind where parents say to their ratty kids, “tell her you’re sorry.  tell her.  right now.”  that’s a con.  that sets everybody up for failure.

(by the way, if you’re a parents that insists on making your kids apologize for their interpersonal transgressions, you need to, at least, be willing to spend an equal amount of time teaching your kid why sorrow for sin is important…and not why “getting caught” is a bummer…)

what i’m talking about here is genuine, heartfelt, life-changing, life-giving sorrow and repentance for having hurt, undermined, betrayed, alienated, or disrespected the one you claim to love.  “i’m sorry” are the words that should roll off your lips regularly and effortlessly.  they should be music to your spouse’s ears …unless you have to do it too often.  then you’ve got a whole other problem on your hands.

_________________________________________________________

one last note.  stop asking people to forgive you when you wronged them.  it may be their responsibility, but it’s not yours to put them on the spot to do it.

asking people to forgive our mistakes or hurtful behavior is about the most self-centered thing we can do.   it’s as ludicrous as walking up to someone and saying,  “pleeeease tell me you’re sorry.  pleeeese tell me you feel bad for what you’ve done.  pleeeese tell me you’ll never do it again.”  ridiculous.

you don’t want to coerce anybody into a meaningless, fake apology.  why would we want a forgiveness offered by the same motivation?  come on.   offer your apology and trust that god will use it for the good of the other person and the rebuilding of your relationship.  the forgiveness you feel you need will come when they are ready and able to give it.

Huge Apologies

i know it appears like i’ve fallen off the earth,  but…as they say…the reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.

twelve days ago,  my normal routine was knocked off course.    the personal commotion that is often created by the unpredictability of life,  left my schedule…and writing…in total chaos.    sorry.   but when you genuinely walk through life with people you love,  you lay down your agendas and let the priority of relationship take over.   and we are always better for the experience.   more on this later…

then early last wednesday morning,  i left for my yearly trip to the rocky mountains above colorado springs to lead a pretty unique conference-camp for a bunch of youth ministers from around the country.   no time to prepare.   barely time to pack.   definitely no time to write.

i even attempted to send a new post from mountains last wednesday,  but when i checked my blog this morning,  i saw that it never went online.   lost in the satellite abyss created by the 14,000 peaks surrounding the lodge we do our thing in every year.

here’s the picture i attempted to send…from the top of pike’s peak:

pretty sweet.

it was a great trip.   but it’s good to be back.   i feel like everything in my life has been on hold for nearly two weeks.   i missed my normal lewisville existence.   it’s amazing how connected i am to my family here.

so back to the grindstone.   back to the life god has graciously allowed me to live.   as hard as it is to imagine,  i appreciate it more today than i did two weeks ago.

let the blogging begin.   again.

I’m sorry

a couple of years ago,  i found myself in a conversation with a guy who was telling me about all the bad things that happened in his life growing up in the church…and how he had walked away.

judgment.   rejection.   gossip.   rules.   disappointment.   fear.   alienation.   power.

don’t you just love the church?

i found myself wanting to give him explanations for why some of those things may have happened.   i wanted him to understand that the people that had hurt him had good intentions.   i wanted him to know that those were good people that just had different ideas.

i wanted to help him see that nobody’s perfect.   that his harsh feelings about the church were just another form of judgment and intolerance…that he was really no different.

but the more i sat and listened,  the more my thoughts sounded like cheap excuses and justifications.   really cheap.

so i apologized.   for the big things.   for the small things.   for all of it.   i told him there were no adequate excuses.   no legit justifications.   just wrongness.   so i apologized.   i said i was sorry for the way he was treated.   i was sorry that his self image had been undermined and his child-like faith had been robbed.

i told him how sorry i was that the church comes across like a bully.   i apologized for being a part of something that is so hurtful and leaves such life-long scars on people’s hearts.

i admitted that it was people,  not god,  who get it wrong.   in our zeal,  we erect walls and make it oppressively difficult for people to touch the goodness and grace of god.   questions are rejected as expressions of ignorance.   sinful choices are ranked and branded as disgusting and revolting.

all i could say was that i was sorry.   so sorry.

i can’t help but think there would be a lot more people open to hearing about the reality of a god of love,  if more of his people would simply apologize.

a new friend

this past weekend, i met a guy at a wedding rehearsal dinner i attended.  wanda and i really didn’t know anybody (other than the bride and groom), so we just wandered in, grabbed something to drink and did our best to try and mingle.  it was in one of those mingling moments that we met our new friend.

during the course of the pre-dinner mingling, there was lots of small talk and casual getting-to-know each other (along with others that would eventually sit at our table).  he was engaging.  he was sarcastic.  he was, at time, hilarious.  it was really fun.

in moments like these, it’s pretty hard to keep what i do for a living secret.  i was, after all, the pastor that was going to perform the wedding the next day!  more often than not, when i am in a social setting where it is not a church gathering with church people, things just get weird.  people get uncomfortable.  they apologize for their speech.  they avoid certain subjects.  they make obvious references (usually dumb ones) to their childhood church experiences.  mostly, they are looking for somewhere else to be…with someone who is more fun than a pastor.  i get it.

not so with this guy.  we talked.  a lot.  honestly.  openly.  sarcastically (which i thoroughly enjoyed!).  at one point, he told me of his frustration with churches and big time pastors who seem to only be concerned with getting bigger.  to him, there didn’t seem to be enough genuine care for people.  if someone got hurt, got disillusioned, got disconnected…and left…the only real interest was in replacing them…not finding them.

i responded by telling him that i was sorry for things that churches and pastors do. i told him that i am frequently embarrassed by the way the church and church leaders act and i apologized for the image we often project.  i just looked at him and said, “man, i’m really sorry.”

i fully expected him to lighten the moment with a joke or zing me with some of his cynicism, but he totally surprised me.  he looked me right in the eyes and said, “you don’t know how much that means to me to hear you say that.  in all of my years, i’ve never heard a pastor, or a christian for that matter, honestly admit that the church makes mistakes and apologize for them.  i’m blown away right now.”

that moment opened up new dialogue and i now feel like i have a new friend.  

honest apology goes a long way to opening doors.