I’ve been thinking long and hard over the past month or so, about why it has been so hard for me to write (as some of you have noticed). Some days I feel like I have real clarity. Other days I’m just swimming in my personal abyss of uncontrolled thinking.
Tonight is a little clearer, so I’ll give it a shot. Here are some reasons why I think my writing here has been so weak and sporadic:
- Writing a new sermon every week has become more difficult. Maybe some post-surgery concentration issues. Maybe due to trying to figure out a new routine to stay fresh after 44 years of weekly preaching and teaching. Who knows? But it’s a grind.
- Some days I feel like, “Why bother? Everything’s already been said.”
- I don’t read Facebook much anymore. Mostly when I get notified if people write something directly to me…or about me, sometimes. It just feels wrong that I would want or expect someone to read what I write, but I’m not taking the time to read what they write.
- I feel as if I’m busier now than I’ve ever been. How did that happen?
- I’m reading more than I am writing. This has been good for me, though. I’ve got six new books that are sitting on my end table and night stand waiting to be started.
- Some days, I take late-night, rabbit-trail, web surfing to unknown levels of greatness.
- My old buddy, depression, has shown up frequently in the past year. It most often takes the form of staring, accompanied by undisciplined thinking. Talk about a picture of productivity!
- For the first time ever, I’ve let myself get sucked into following the circus of our presidential election process. I have never, ever, done that. It’s not who I am. I have so many more important things going on in my life. The majority of the time I think about writing, I have been drawn to react to things related to the issues of this political season. That generally stops my writing cold. Dead in the water.
Most often, though, I find myself getting two or three paragraphs into a potential blog post, and then I get the feeling I don’t really have anything important to say. I suppose it’s that simple.
So it’s time for a change. After eight years of blogging for, essentially, the same audience and the same reasons, I’m going to try and breathe some fresh life into my writing. For me. If you get something out of it, even better. This is I want to do for my heart. For my spirit. For my well-being. Totally selfish.
Well, sort of.
I’ve decided to do the majority of my writing to my grandkids. In the past, I’ve written occasional blog posts to them. That has not been enough. I really want to leave my story for them…to them. I don’t expect them to read it anytime soon. They’re too busy growing up. But maybe someday they’ll want to know my story. Maybe it will matter to them what I believed, what I felt strongly about, what my life was all about. They deserve to hear it in my own words.
I wish I knew my dad’s story. He wasn’t much of a talker. Not a writer, either. He was a hard-working man who showed his love and dedication to me and my mom by getting up early every day, putting on his work boots and his work ethic, getting in his Dodge pickup truck (three speed on the column), and earning a life-giving, life-sustaining paycheck for us every week.
There was never much time for storytelling. I wish there was. Oh, how I wish there was. There is a part of me that I will never know. There is a part of me and a huge part of him my boys will never. We all lose.
Just in case it matters someday, I want my kids and their kids to have the opportunity to know. There is no guarantee I will get to tell them personally.
So I’m going to start writing to them, my little family tree. I think I’ve got lots to say and right now I feel like I’ve got an audience, even though they don’t know it yet.
You can read it if you want. It may feel a little like eavesdropping, but that’s ok. Maybe you’ll read something that will be of value to you. I know I will throw in some random posts along the way that might be of more interest to you, so it really might be worth your while to stick around.
I hope you do.
Btw…do you like the new background theme? I think I do.