A little more on anger…

yesterday,  my friend lisa,  wrote me a response.   i deeply appreciate the challenge to my thinking and her willingness to take exception to what i said about anger being a choice.   trust me,  she has the credibility to present an opposing view.   it took courage to write what she did.   it was good and represented the “other side” to my take.

i didn’t ask her permission to re-post what she wrote,  but i trust she’ll be ok with this:

Sorry Mike. I disagree completely. Anger is an emotion that, like the weather, just is. Jesus got angry as did David.

It’s true, we are not to let the sun go down on our anger. Not hide our anger inside and suppress it, instead speak the truth to one another in love. I have seen too many clients who are beaten, raped, cheated on to dare tell them anger is a sin or a choice. Peace and forgiveness can be a process. Anger is an emotion. I don’t judge emotions. We do have choices about how we handle them- yelling or working through, acting out or peace, suppression or honesty. We are responsible for how we handle all if our emotions and what we do and say. I also think we do ourselves and Christianity a disservice when we judge emotions and tell our fellow travelers that all emotions are not acceptable. Anger is often a really good signal where powerful work can be done. With much respect, Lisa

lisa, i definitely get where you’re coming from.  i was certainly the “odd man out” in my clinical counseling grad school!  the clinician side of me can see the reality you face everyday.  i see those same realities (people) everyday in my world as a pastoral counselor.

here’s my opinion, for what it’s worth:  jesus did appear to get angry, but he was a holy, righteous god and we should never compare “our” anger to his.  vengeance belongs to god alone (romans 12:19-21)  no human should ever justify their anger by equating it with god’s.

david is a much better place to find comparison.  psalm 109 is a prayer of unequaled anger.  i have never had a conversation with a person who had the rage of david.  near the end of his prayer, david recognizes the toll that his anger had taken on him and he begs  god to save him.  i understand this to mean that he sees his anger for what it is: the very thing that separates him from god.

i love how the psalm/prayer ends…with a softening of his heart.   confession has a way of doing that.    paul says not to let the sun go down on our anger,  because that is where the devil gains a foothold on our heart.   after all these years,  i’m not sure of everything that means,  but it’s clear that holding on to anger for more than a day is a bad thing.   and he gives no qualifiers.   he simply finishes this teaching by commanding the ephesians to get rid of all bitterness,  rage and anger.

the fact that we are commanded to get rid of our anger,  places it in the “choice” category for me.   it’s something that i can gain control over.   to me,  anger is volitional.   with that said,  i also recognize that in extreme cases of victimization and unspeakable relationship devastation,  dealing with anger and rage can be an almost impossible emotional situation.   it requires compassionate counsel and godly wisdom to even begin the healing process…let alone reach an end to the journey.

but i can never let the reality of human pain…no matter how corrupt,  violent,  unjust,  brutal  or atrocious it is… redefine the reality of god’s truth.   to call anger sin is not a calloused judgment.   i realize the word  (sin)  is tremendously weighted in the world we live in.   it’s ugly.   and it’s ugliness has been blown up by inconsiderate,  smug,  self-righteous  people who love to point their hypocritical fingers.   i get it.

but it cannot change what god’s word says.   anger misses the mark.   anger separates us from god and others.   anger is a prison that robs us of joy and saps our energy.   anger tears apart from the inside.   to acknowledge  this as sin does not diminish us.   it empowers us.   and places us in the best possible position to experience grace.   and then begin to give it away.

i’m with lisa 100% when she says that people don’t need our judgment.   people need us to stand by them and with them in their pain.   we need to defend the weak and rescue the oppressed.   god has made it clear that his people are to be salt and light in a decayed world.   people don’t need judgment.

but they still need truth.   sometimes softly and gently…and slowly…over time.  mixed with compassion and understanding.   people filled with anger are usually filled with other things:  pain…confusion… abandonment…failures… rejection…you name it.   but they still need truth.

thanks for the challenge,  lisa.   i felt respected.   but i always did from you.   i hope you do from me.

Don’t get angry with me

i don’t mean to throw the middle school group under the bus tonight,  but they were a perfect,  unfiltered example of humanity.

we were talking about anger  (as kind of a follow-up to my sermon this past sunday)  and i asked them to consider what they would do if i could show them…or convince them…that anger was a sin.   i proceeded to paint a pretty blunt picture of how anger is an expression of the sinful nature that we all struggle with…and the very clear directives to not let the sun go down on our anger and to take responsibility to live at peace with every one.

then i asked if any of them had a problem with their temper or if they ever struggle with getting angry.   what followed was a pretty colorful discussion of the various ways each of them get their “mad” on.   and it would have been pretty funny,  if it weren’t so true.

i’m not worried about them.   they’re just kids.   but they have already learned some life lessons they will have to outgrow,  if they ever want their lives to make a kingdom difference someday.

anger comes so easy these days.   everybody does it.   it’s glamorized.   we see it on the news every night.   the anger of media stars is publicized daily on TMZ or on the cover of people magazine.   sports heroes flex their self-centeredness for the world to see and make no apologies for their public antagonism directed against their opposition.

ugly divorces are commonplace.   youtube has blown up with videos of gang violence,  hate mongering and  political ranting.   the angry monologues on talk radio are entertainment for the masses.   video games have taken violent expression beyond the already obscene limits of rational decency.   we don’t even have to go down the road of musical lyrics or movie screenplays…where the artistic renderings  of anger know no boundaries.

who’s to blame a kid?

i’m not saying this is easy,  but let’s get one thing straight when it comes to anger.   it’s a choice.

anger or getting mad (especially at someone)  is never your only option.   it may be the one you choose,  but it’s never forced on you.   it may be the easiest response because you are emotionally undisciplined.   but nobody has ever been told they have to get mad.   there are always alternatives.

and leave the whole “righteous” anger thing alone.   if you think your anger is the same kind of anger god would have in the situation,  you’re fooling yourself.   elevating your self-righteousness to the level of deity is pretty risky business.

anger…getting hurt…blowing up…acting out…giving the silent treatment… gossiping… creating factions…hatred… dissensions… division…shutting down communication…frustration…stress…aggravation…disappointment…sadness… irritation…are never the best choices.   ever.   never.   ever.

• compassion…
• forgiveness…
• mercy…
• grace…
• patience…
• understanding…
• peacefulness…
• kindness…
• determination…
• introspection…
• sympathy…
• unity…
• benefit of the doubt…
• tolerance…
• consideration…
• help…
• support…
• comfort…

are all viable alternatives.   and much better choices.

so when are we going to stop giving each other permission to act out in anger…in all its various forms and expressions… and start loving god more than we love our feelings?

you are angry by choice.   period.

I’m drinking the Kool-aid

last may,  i made the plunge into the mac world.   my shift over to the ipad2 has been a good one.

most everything i used to do on my laptop i now do on my ipad2.   i’m about 50/50 on sermon prep.   i’m still waiting for a better blogging app.   wordpress needs to get in the ball game.   until then,  i will continue to do my posting on my trusty sony vaio  (although i don’t know how much longer this will last…i’m now into year six on it and it’s showing the same kind of age my knees do.)

now,  after two years of using a verizon droid incredible as my cell phone of choice,  the next step into full-blown apple cult indoctrination has happened:

i am the proud owner of an iPhone 4S.

so is wanda.

i’ll keep you posted on how that adventure is going.

A new take on country music

it’s no secret.

i love sports.   in my former life,  i was actually an athlete of sorts.   a baseball player as a kid.   a football player in high school and junior college.   a college volleyball and baseball coach.

along the way,  i’ve played a bunch of stuff with varying degrees of passion,  but relatively little talent.   a lot of golf…before it got too expensive.   sand volleyball.   racquetball.   years of beer league and church league softball…the grave-yard for wannabe baseball players.   these days,  bowling is the sport of choice.   i was never much into bull riding,  tho.

that was all said to establish my cred for what i’m going to say.

my heart is wounded this morning for a couple of athletes.

the outcomes of both of yesterday’s nfl conference championship games were profoundly influenced by the epic failures of two young men.   their blunders cost their teammates thousands of dollars,  but more importantly,  their chance for the game’s greatest prize and the dream of every professional football player…to be a superbowl champion.

in the first game,  the baltimore ravens had positioned themselves for a game-tying,  chip-shot,  field goal to send the game into overtime…a game where they had the momentum and grit to win.   but their kicker missed the short field goal attempt badly.   game over.   season over.   dream gone.   finito.

mamas…don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys.   or field goal kickers.

the second game failure was even worse.   first,  the san francisco 49er punt returner inexplicably let a ball hit his knee that was recovered by the giants…that led to an important fourth quarter touchdown.   but that didn’t come close to the size of his second gaffe.

in overtime,  he fumbled a punt return deep in his own territory that led to an easy giant field goal to win the game.   not only did this 23-year old kid crush the hearts of his teammates and 49er fans alike,  there is no telling what the long-term damage to his own psyche will be for years to come.

* sports illustrated reported this morning that he’s been getting death wishes via twitter…

you may say that it’s just a game or that the hundreds of thousands of dollars these athletic failures receive should nurse their wounds pretty well.   you’re probably right,  but you are still a heartless cynic.

it’s made me think bigger picture,  tho.

what do you do with your failures?   even if they’re not “epic”.   how do you rebound from mistakes that cost you more than just money?   what do you do?

what do you do with moral or relationship failure?  when your spouse or children or friends see mistakes you make or collapses in your personal life?   how do you handle the loss of reputation or influence?   how do you pick yourself up when it feels like all is lost and you cannot go on?

one of the things that bonds us together is imperfection.   we are all screw-ups.   for some it happens on national television in front of millions.   for others,  it’s in front of a small group of friends or associates.   for all of us,  it happens in front of the eyes of a benevolent and gracious god.

the god who made us and knows us inside and out.   the god who set moral and spiritual bars so unattainable that the only course of action for his created to take would be one of surrender.    a course of faith that would take us to the doorstep of grace and forgiveness.

reality?   mamas can’t stop their babies from growing up to be place kickers or punt returners or just rank and file misfits who fall short of the glory of god in myriads of ways.

that’s why god made a way.

Letters to Holden and Nolan

peanut and pickle…

tonight,  while mimi and i were out grabbing some dinner,  we saw a dad and his little boy sitting at a table near us…and it totally took me back to the days when your daddy was just little boy.

i loved taking him out to eat…just the two of us…and having our time together.

during the years we lived in san diego,  your daddy and i had a favorite restaurant we liked to go to.   it was our special place to hang out.   it was called  “wings and things”,  on el cajon boulevard.  

i remember they had the most awesome boneless buffalo wings…and the even more awesome bread sticks…i have ever eaten.

but it wasn’t the food that made it special.

it was the time spent with your daddy.

i would pick him up after school and we would make our way there.   we would get our food and grab a table so we could see whatever sports they had up on the television screen.   even to this day,  we still love watching sports together.   just like you guys are starting to do!

we would watch a little and eat a little.   and talk a lot.   it was there that i heard about how school was going and what kinds of friends he was making and the joys and struggles of baseball.   or soccer.   or basketball.

we would also talk about his fears and frustrations and things that didn’t make sense to him.   and the same for me.   we would talk about faith and god and church.   i’m  pretty sure we probably had some of our first talks about s-e-x there…over some buffalo chicken.

i always tried to make it a safe place to talk.   “wings and things” was a place where i tried to pass on ideas and values that were important to me.   i told stories and gave insights.   i did my best to listen and really hear what your daddy would say.  

i’m sure there were times he just wanted to sit in silence and i didn’t get it!   there were probably other times i completely missed the mark.   but i bet when you’re old enough to ask him about those days at “wings and things”,  he’ll remember them fondly.   i know i do.   some days i wish i could go back for just one more bread stick and talk again…like we used to.

i still know your daddy pretty well.   you guys are going to get to have your special places to eat with him.   he’s going to take you out and watch some sports on the television and do his very best listen to you and give you room to tell him what you’re going through.

he’s going to want to help you the best he can.   he’ll tell you stories and remind  you of the things that are most important to him.   he’ll have years of wisdom to pass on to you.   he’ll tell you about mistakes he’s made and incredible successes he’s experienced.

he’ll teach you about love and faith.   he may even teach you a few things i taught him along the way.

so here’s my message to you guys:   pay attention.   you have much to learn.

and some of the best teaching you’ll ever get will come from your daddy…and the private meals you’ll share him along the way.

grow wise,  grasshoppers.

papi

How to be a Pharisee

i’ve been thinking some more about pharisees.

(for the non-north pointers,  i preached about the pharisees this past sunday…when jesus told his followers that their righteousness needed to exceed that of the pharisees)

in my early years of bible teaching,  i was clearly guilty of trashing those boys.   i definitely joined in with the majority of would-be theologians in labeling pharisees as self-righteous,  judgmental,  smug,  legalistic hypocrites.   but those were my days of giving limited attention to old testament history.   oops.

long before jesus gave his double-barrel judgment of pharisees in the later years of his life,  there is a true standing of pharisees in jewish culture that we need to come to grips with:

• they were employed to support and enforce the proper expression of the torah in the life of israel.
• they functioned much like lawyers…providing authoritative,  and much needed,  interpretation of the law.
• they had a high and respected standing among the nation of israel.
• they were loved and respected for their stance against the ungodliness of paganism that threatened the identity and integrity of the people of god.
• they were admired for their fidelity and loyalty to the word of god.
• they were the ones who faithfully kept god’s commandments…and boldly taught others to do the same.
• they were widely regarded as the epitome of righteousness and proper response to god.

wow.

but here’s where it gets interesting.   and personal.

the cultural equivalent of pharisees today?   seminary professors.   bible college instructors.   theologians and bible commentators.   authors.   pastors.   counselors.   bible study leaders.   youth ministers.   pretty much any and all of those that have assumed the position of one who interprets god’s word and gives guidance for how to faithfully obey it.

so here’s a confession:  i am a pharisee.

the only question is whether i’m a good one or a bad one.

bad pharisees elevate their personal interpretation of the scripture to be the authoritative equal of the written word.

bad pharisees add more to the truth than what actually exists.

bad pharisees think they are better than others because they know more than others.

bad pharisees don’t practice what they preach.

bad pharisees make people feel guilty for not living up their interpretive expectations.

bad pharisees relish their titles and public recognition and places of honor…and fat salaries,  reserved parking spaces,  and speaking engagements.

bad pharisees have prideful blind spots.

bad pharisees believe that their legalistic self-righteousness actually improves their standing with god.

bad pharisees are more concerned with right and wrong than grace and mercy.

bad pharisees neglect the poor and are insensitive to matters of true justice.

bad pharisees are more concerned with the outside (the show) than matters of the heart.

(matthew 23)

so can there be a “good” pharisee?   i’m thinking there can be.   we may have to realign our perspective,  but it can be done.

we need people who are diligent in their study of the word.   we need people who will pay the price to study history and biblical languages.   we need people who are capable and gifted to do solid and honest bible exegesis.

we need people who take god’s word seriously and help people understand it.   we need people who can give practical and helpful application.

but we also need people who know the difference between fact and opinion.   people who can separate their own personal bias from absolute truth.   people who can comfortably navigate the waters of denominational interpretations… and with the people who share those different positions.   people who respect other traditions.   people who are open to new ideas and who can admit they just might not have all of the truth.

we desperately need pharisees that refuse to believe their own press.   pharisees who are truly humble.   pharisees who leave room for different ideas and explanations.   pharisees who are gracious and forgiving.   pharisees who excel in loving and listening and serving and caring.

to the pharisees among us:   do your job well.   guard your heart.   flee hypocrisy.   love first…and last…and everywhere in between.

to those who sit at the feet of pharisees:   expect more.   don’t believe everything you’re told.   study for yourself.   worship jesus,  not the pharisee.

Peace

*sorry for the dry stretch…been battling emptiness lately.

peace.

we all want it.   we all need it.   our lives are full of conflict and disappointments…turmoil and failures….controversy and misunderstanding.

it’s inevitable.   we’re imperfect.   we live in a world of sin.

but peace is available.   peace is possible.   peace is within our grasp.

i have a friend i have known for over 35 years.   we’ve only seen each other a couple of times since our move to texas.   he and his wife have moved on and live in a state of semi-retired bliss.   but his work is not finished.   he still has an effect on my life every now and then.

often…when i find myself in one of those moments when the chaos of conflict is forcing its way into my life,  i remember my friend.   because he knew peace….and taught me about it.   his example and teaching made a difference.

jesus said,  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”   John 1633

james said,  “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?”   James 4:1

paul said,  “But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice…”   Colossians 3:8

like i said,  the opposite of peace is everywhere.   its all around us.   squeezing us.   manipulating us.   conning us.   exerting it’s will on us.   creating havoc.   disrupting sacred tranquility.   robbing us of joy.   leaving us for dead.

but i choose to believe all of scripture,   and not just the parts that reinforce what i’m feeling or the journey i am on.

paul also said,  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”   Philippians 4:6-7

i choose to believe this is true.   i choose to believe that god is bigger.   i choose to believe that the presence and reality and genuineness of the almighty can bring peace to my heart.   anytime.   anywhere.   no matter what.

the peace of god…the absolute veracity of god’s truth and reality overshadowing the puniness of my situation at any moment in time…is mine for the taking.

in the face of horrific blunders and catastrophic failures and broken world messes…i can experience rest and confidence and hope.

peace.   it is that place where i know that god’s truth is always  better than my feelings and emotions.   where god’s wisdom is  always  better than my flawed perceptions of what would be best for my life.   where god’s good sense is vastly superior to my stupid,  selfish opinions.

i love peace.   when i am not there…when worry and anger and frustration and fear and judgment cloud my vision and self-centeredness steals my inner calm…i cannot act with prudence and sacred caution is thrown to the wind.

hey…i didn’t dream up peace.   but i will take it.

i am grateful that a friend of mine showed me that walking in peace…even in the most difficult of circumstances…was possible.

i hope my peaceful path will do the same for others.

Today’s Top Five

obviously,  my deep spiritual lessons on longevity and staying the course are leaving much to be desired on the comment end.

i’m actually beginning to wonder if anybody is reading anymore.   sheesh.   the people have spoken…sort of.

so it’s time to come in from the deep end and waddle back into the kiddie pool.   here are my favorite sitcoms of all time:

#5 – Sanford and Son – “it’s the big one…i’m comin’ elizabeth”

#4 -Home Improvement – tim the toolman has been my personal inspiration for years.

#3 – The Big  Bang Theory – the only new sitcom that i’ve really liked in the past ten years.

#2 – M.A.S.H. – i could never get enough father mulcahey…my pastoral role model.

#1 – The Bob Newhart Show – nothing even comes close…pure greatness…my counseling hero.

honorable mention:  the wonder years,  the bill cosby show,  seinfeld,  everybody loves raymond,  family ties.

so what’s your top five?

Staying the course…part 3

for the majority of my life,  writing has been my companion,  my accountability,  and my mirror.   it has always been the place where i was forced to be honest,  because my only reader was god…and occasionally wanda.   it has only been in recent years that my writing has moved beyond the private.

i am so grateful that i was encouraged to journal in my twenties…to write down those things i was learning,  along with my goals and hopes for what my future would look like.

it is such an amazing thing to be able to look back over my personal timeline and realize that i am a whole lot smarter than i was in my youth.   and to have a record of it to be reminded of…and pass on.

anyway,  here are a few more life lessons i have learned along the way:

beware of success intoxication.   this one is true for everybody.   you just can’t let success go to your head.   it’s deadly.   it breeds pride and arrogance.   you can get conned into believing you’re something special…or worse,  yet…you can start to think nobody can replace you.   you begin to believe your own press.   brokenness and humility and partnership can get replaced with over-confidence,  self importance and conceit in a blink.

god’s messages to me are communicated most clearly though wanda.   honestly,  wanda and i have never gotten hung up on the hierarchy-in-marriage-male-headship-wife-submits thing.   it’s just never been much of a big deal for us.   wanda is simply much smarter and more gifted than i am in a bunch of areas and i have been a total idiot those times i didn’t defer to her lead in those cases.   she is relationally intuitive and spiritually sensitive in ways i can only dream about.   she has always seen my weaknesses more clearly that i have.   some of the hardest realities of my life have been delivered by my partner.   that is real love.

people need to be rescued by the son of god,  not by the youth minister who thinks he’s the messiah.   yuck.   i hate admitting this.   i am a recovering rescuer that is always prone to falling off the wagon.   at least i know that about myself  (thanks,  wanda).     i can’t ever lose sight of this.    the fine line between caring/helping/pastoring and rescuing is easy for me to blur.   knowing this about myself has spared me tons of grief…and maybe even enabled me to help a few people along the way.

be diligent at finding your sermons.   more often than not,  i have been the one teaching or preaching whenever my church family has gathered for a meeting of some kind.   even those times when i wasn’t up in front,  i was usually busy serving or working in some capacity.   so i have always had to work hard to find my sermons.   back in the 70′s and 80′s,  it was on cassette tapes.   wanda has always been an avid listener to good radio teaching.   me?   not so much.   sports talk radio has always been a guilty pleasure.   but i turned into a serious reader  (of good theology)  in my thirties.   these days,  listening to podcasts of seriously good teachers of the word is as simple as a click.   i also have a couple of dozen blogger/preachers that feed my soul.   nothing can replace your own personal study of the word,  but it never hurts to have some help!

no comments on yesterday’s lessons.   how about any of these?   agree?  disagree?   just curious…

Staying the course…part 2

here are some more lessons in longevity that i have learned…some because i paid close attention to those that were trying to teach me…some because i’m hard-headed:

staying focused can be a liability.   conventional wisdom says that the best way to succeed in whatever we are doing is to focus.   in this day and age of various levels of attention deficit,  the ability to stay on task is  seen as a precious commodity.   but real life doesn’t let us do that.   the world we live in requires us to be able to change on the fly.   we need to be able to constantly adapt and adjust to the unpredictable and unplanned curve balls that are constantly thrown at us.   being too focused  is sometimes a painful enemy.

know the difference between expectations and standards.   this may seem kind of pointless to you,  but it has been money for me.   expectations… especially the unstated kind…are death.   people are going to fail.   people are going to let you down.   people are going to sin.   people are going to fall short.   so i learned a long time ago to temper my expectations of people.   it’s not a lowering of the bar.   it’s just the grace that always gives room for people to be less than perfect.

don’t ever think you’ve arrived.   when i was about twenty,  i was deeply moved and impacted by a man in his seventies.   if there was ever a man who had arrived,  it was this guy.   he was wise,  mature,  godly,  experienced,  full of credibility,  a spotless reputation,  a gifted teacher and powerful mentor of young men.   but what remember the most about him was his humility.   he had this fresh openness to learning.   he was not intimidated by young people,  but listened intently to what we were saying and thinking and affirmed our value.   he saw through my youthful arrogance and overlooked my nonsense.  he truly believed that god still had much to teach him.   i still remember the day i said i hoped i would grow up to be like him.

know your times and seasons.   there are times in my week that i shouldn’t make important decisions.   there are times in my week when i am more rested and times that i am more inclined to be scattered or insensitive.   i need to be constantly  aware of those times.   my schedule compresses later in the week.   i normally have more flexibility early in the week.   you need to know the seasons when you are at your best…and take advantage of that time.   and if at all possible,  run and hide during your bad times.   know yourself.

so what do you think?   can anybody relate?   do you have anything to add to these ones?