Axioms…from my perspective

normally, i dedicate thursdays to giving some of my personal life axioms…truth that, from my perspective, is self-evident. sometimes practical. sometimes philosophical. sometimes whimsical. but truth, no less.

“sometimes, no matter what you do, it won’t be good enough”

up until i was about 12 or 13, i was a yankee fan.  i used to idolize the great mickey mantle and whitey ford and yogi berra.  i had their baseball cards (i would be a rich man, if i would have kept all of them).  i even got to see a couple of games in the old yankee stadium when i was a kid.  it is a surreal memory for this life-long fan of the great game.

somewhere along the timeline of free agency, anti-trust laws, no salary caps and big market revenues, i lost my love of the yankees.

call it sour grapes.  call me a whiner.  tell me to pull up my “big boy” panties.  whatever.

when you have more money than anybody else, you get to buy yourself the best players.  a-rod, matsui, derek, tex, c.c., a.j.  and on top of that, you have the money for the best facilities, the best travel accommodations, the best training, the best equipment, the best stadium, the biggest marquee, the most fame and attention.

and that’s the point of this axiom.

the yankees won the world series last night.  ho hum.  they were supposed to win.  all of us small-market, small-minded whiner-complainers are never going to be satisfied…and we will never give the yankees their due.  to us, we minimize their effort and success by discounting it.  we cheapen their lopsided victories by saying, “what do you expect?  they’re supposed to win!  they bought the best players that money can buy!”

the yankees had a player payroll this year of $201 million.  my beloved san diego padres had a payroll of about $43 million.  what does that mean?  the more money you have, the better stuff you can buy.  it’s simple economics.  and yeah…i’m bitter.

but here’s the deal.  in the end, the 25 players the yankees played with still had to perform.  they still had to live up to their billing.  they had to hit better, throw better, catch better, run better, think better…than the other 29 teams…through 162 regular season games…two rounds of playoffs…and a best of seven world series.  and they did it.

just because you are supposed to be better, doesn’t always mean you are better.  this year, the yankees are the best.  but for most people, it will never be good enough.  if they would have lost, they would have been “under-achievers”.  by winning, all they did was what they were supposed to do.  for the yankees, it’s a no-win.

sometimes, no matter what we do…no matter how hard we try…no matter the effort, the heart, the motive, the intent…what we do will not be good enough for some people.

they will say we should have tried harder, done more, spent more time, given an extra day or an extra call or an extra dollar.  sometimes…for some people…our performance will never meet their expectations.  we will let them down.  they will blame us for failures that are not ours.  they will make us out to be scapegoats.  they will see us as over-paid, under-achieving disappointments.

sometimes, no matter what we do, it won’t be good enough.

take a moment right now and thank god that he doesn’t grade our performance the same way people do.

Marriage Tuesday

when the discussion turns to ideas that can help strengthen a marriage…or tips to building a healthier one…one thing that always comes up is date night.

first, a confession.  wanda and i have never done really well on having regular date nights.  please don’t think less of us.  come to think of it, we never did particularly well on family nights or family devotions, either.  that’s for another post…

you could probably say that i’ve never done well with structure or rules.  wanda says i pretty much live in an extended state of adolescent rebellion.  she’s probably right.

back to date night.

even though we didn’t do one, i admire those couples who do.  i really admire the discipline of committing time to each other and what that kind of faithfulness means.  the underlying stability that is being forged in your relationship by making time time every week to “go somewhere” or “do something” with each other is pretty powerful.

but here’s my caution:  just because you go out to dinner and movie…or take in a play…or go to a ball game, don’t assume that the activity itself is making your bond stronger.  don’t be lulled into the idea that, since you are doing something that both of you are enjoying, your marriage is deepening.

you have to talk. a lot.  about important things…deep things…uncomfortable things…embarrassing things…painful things…if you ever want your marriage to be substantial.

i know a lot of couples that love to go to movies. (that would not be me and wanda.  she falls asleep and i sit and think about all the things my $25 could have gone to.)   the concern i always have is whether those couples are really dealing with the important issues in their lives…and the continual, scheduled “dinner and a movie date night” is just another way to avoid pulling out the scalpel and doing some really needed marriage surgery.

let me give you an idea.  instead of date night, why don’t you start having talk night once a week?

pick out a place to go and eat.  in my opinion, eating and talking go really well together.  pick a place that isn’t all about the food and the service, though.  you don’t want to get side-tracked.  and then sit and talk.  for a couple of hours! face to face.  eye to eye.  nose to nose.  heart to heart.

leave the kids with somebody you trust.  turn off your cell phones.  (pick friends that are smart enough to call 911!). don’t go to a sports bar…or the food court at the mall.  don’t take your grocery list, “just in case”.  wear comfortable clothes.  take a note pad and pencil…somebody might say something important!

make regular time to talk about things like:

your goals and dreams…

your fears and sadness…

your sins and mistakes…

changes you need to make…

what you need that your partner is not providing…

what you miss the most…

what is disappointing you…

what excites and thrills you…

what god is doing in your lives…

what needs to be prayed about…

yeah, you need to make time to talk about the kids…and the finances…and jobs…and things that need to be fixed around the house.  those are important, too.

but if you are not making regular time to talk about the significant…the deep…the holy…the “untouchables”…the passionate…the life changing…you run the risk of your marriage being reduced to mere co-existence.

do you think a regular talk night just might be worth it?

Monday Morning Quarterback

this was a really fun day to reflect on…

• i love the time change in the fall…it was great to have an extra hour of sleep!
• i was a little worried we were going to have people showing up at 10:20, but walking in and thinking it was really 11:20.  didn’t happen.
• tyler did an awesome job filling in for justin on the drums.
• can’t believe i’m going to say this, but i really missed the keyboard on some of the songs we did.
• not sure i’m gonna say that to jason, though.  don’t want it going to his head.
• i think this series on “inside out” has the potential to be life-changing for our family.
• in case you were wondering, i don’t think that couple had a happily-ever-after ending to their wedding ceremony!
• brittney walking in with a huge plate full of rice krispy treats right when i was talking about kids not paying attention due to halloween sugar “highs” has moved into my top ten north point worship moments.
• we were really full in the second hour, but i can count nearly 70 “regulars” that were missing…many due to sickness and travel.  yeah…70!
• i have this recurring dream of a sunday when everybody shows up. i think most people would be totally blown away by how many people really call north point “home”.
• we had a super nice guy visit in the second hour.  although i’m pretty sure north point was not his style, he was very complimentary of our warmth, our commitment to the word, and passionate worship.  i’m going to pray he finds what he is looking for.  who knows?  maybe it will be with us here.
• after the end of the second service, i was passing by a group of three men talking and realized that the all three men were guys who have started calling north point home in the past six months!  it was awesome.
• was the “jesus well” in the lobby sweet, or what?
• are you getting fired up about the advent conspiracy?
• we had a $1000 check given towards our goal of $15,000…totally unexpected…after the service.  what an amazing picture of generosity from the “inside out”.
• i had at least a dozen people tell me how excited they are for christmas this year…how it’s finally going to be different for them.
• i can’t wait to start working on my sermon for next week.
• keep inviting your friends.
• live like your life will make a difference.
• pray for god a connection that will rock your world!
• show grace to everyone.

have a great week.

Axioms…from my perspective

normally, i dedicate thursdays to giving some of my personal life axioms…truth that, from my perspective, is self-evident. sometimes practical. sometimes philosophical. sometimes whimsical. but truth, no less.

and i’m late, again.

also, i’m pretty long-winded today.  make sure you read all of it!

“pray for wisdom…seek wisdom…cherish wisdom…it’s how you will make it through life.”

the bible has a lot to say about wisdom…far better than i can say it:

The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple.  Psalm 19:7

Teach us to number our days aright,  that we may gain a heart of wisdom.  Psalm 90:12

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.  Proverbs 11:2

The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.  Proverbs 12:5

He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.  Proverbs 13:20

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.  Proverbs 15:22

He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe.  Proverbs 28:26

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  Matthew 7:24

Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?  For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe.  1 Corinthians 1:20-21

Be very careful, then, how you live–not as unwise but as wise,  making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.  Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.  Ephesians 5:15-17

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.   James 1:5

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.   James 3:13

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.  James 3:17

these are awesome words!  but are we paying attention?

everyday, people are making decisions.  difficult, life-altering decisions.  ultimately, nobody can make those decisions but the people that have to make them.  in the midst of it all, though, god has provided two very specific steps in the process of difficult decision-making.

and people tend to struggle with both of them.

the first one is to pray for wisdom.  we blow this one up all the time.  most of our prayers are way too complicated.  it seems like we want to tell god all about our situation and then try to make sure he is fully in tune with what outcome we think would be the most favorable…instead of simply praying for wisdom…which god promises to give.

the second is to seek wise counsel.  this one is trickier, but ultimately the most practical.

it’s our nature to want to make decisions on our own.  to be independent.  to show that we can stand on our own two feet and prove to the world that we are adults and we are the controllers of our own destiny.  so most of the time, we just make the decisions.

but it is most often through wise counsel that god communicates wisdom…the same wisdom we have prayed that he would give us!

sometimes, we even ask some people to give their opinions about our situation…and we might even factor those opinions into our process.  but the seeking of wise counsel is totally different.

wise counsel are people who are older and wiser.  people who have been through things, made mistakes, and come out the other side with perspectives we can only dream about.

wise counsel are people who we trust.  people who can separate their own feelings from the realities our situation.  people who have our best interests in mind.  people who are deep enough and strong enough and godly enough to say the difficult things to us…when we need to hear them.

wise counsel are people who are saturated in the word of god and can see our situation in light of the growth and purpose of the kingdom of god.  people who are acquainted enough with the past…to be able to see clearly into the future on our behalf.

there are not many who attain the position of wise counsel in our lives…but we have to have them…and we are foolish if we don’t seek them out, listen and act on their wisdom.  it’s why god has given them to us!

when i was 24 years old, i faced the most difficult decision of my life.  i was being pursued by a church to be their youth minister.  i had learned the value of seeking wise counsel, so in my youthful obedience, i sought it out.  and out.  and out!

i solicited 60-70 different opinions about whether i should go to this church.  former staff members of the church.  former and current members of the church.  bible college professors.  close friends of mine.  and every single one of them said “don’t go”!! they said i wouldn’t fit…that it was a dysfunctional church…too traditional…too narrow…i would be miserable…they paid horrible…their priorities were all wrong…their philosophy of ministry was very different from mine…you name it!  and they were right on a lot of points.

on top of everything else, i did not want to go! there was nothing about going to this church that appealing to me.  and their consensus opinions totally reinforced what i was feeling.

but those people did not represent my wise counsel. they just represented opinions.  but the two people who i trusted the most…respected the most…knew me the best…and i had given the position of wise counsel in my life…well, they both told me i should go.   in spite of everything else that had been said to me, they, alone, saw the bigger picture. they had the courage to say the difficult things.  they pushed me to live by faith.  they made me face my fears and challenged me to make changes in my life.

and i listened to them.  not to the opinions of others.  not to logic.  not to the obvious.  i listened to the wise counsel that god had put into my life and commanded me (in scripture) to follow.

and their counsel was right.  i’m glad i listened to them and followed their advice.  i said “yes” to the church, and my life would never be what it is today.

so here are my questions for you:  do you have wise counsel?  do you listen?  do you trust god enough to speak through them?  if you don’t, why not?  what are you going to do about it?

Marriage Tuesday

there’s a blog i read every now and then written by a young(ish) pastor somewhere in arizona.  it sounds like one of those hip, trendy, new church plants that are happening all over the place these days.  he’s a good writer and has some fresh insights to pass along.

usually.

except for this one.  this one just needs to stop.  he has issued a “30 Day Sex Challenge” to his church family.

the idea is for married couples to go through a devotional guide and have sex with each other every day for 30 days…and for single people to abstain from all things sexual and go through a separate devotional guide for 30 days.

this is not a new idea.  a church in florida did it a couple of years ago (and got a lot of press for it).  a popular church in our neck of the woods did their version of it…and it drew national attention!  i’m sure there are other churches that have tried something similar.

no matter how many times i hear of it, i’m still troubled by it.

i’m all for couples studying together.  i’m all for growing deeper and stronger marriages.  i’m all for sex, too.  i’m also all for single people drawing lines and abstaining from opening the door to explicit sexuality issues before they get married (1 corinthians 6:18).

but there’s something about reducing the act of sexual intercourse to an item on our daily to do list that cheapens it.

brush teeth?  check.

walk the dog?  check.

take out the trash?  check.

have sex?  check.

make the bed?  check.

no.  this is wrong.  on so many levels.

if it is true that men are wired differently than women and we need to have sex more often (i have serious reservations about the veracity of this assumption, by the way), it looks to me like we’re telling women that they have a greater responsibility to “put out”, than the man has to be sensitive and understanding.

if there’s not enough sex in a marriage to satisfy, i don’t think the answer is to “do it repetitively for 30 days…whether you like it or not”.   i’ve heard the teaching that says if you do anything for 30 days, it will become a habit.  count me out.  i don’t ever want my sex life to be reduced to doing sit ups or eating vegetables.

if your sexual relationship is not satisfying (to one or both of you), the answer is not to go through the motions and hope it will change.  the answer will only be found when you begin to talk to each other about it.  dissatisfaction in your sexual relationship can come from literally hundreds of reasons…emotional, physical, family, spiritual, unrealistic expectations, anger, fear, stress, detachment, psychological scarring…you name it!

healing may need to take place.  honesty and candor need to replace silence and embarrassment.  when you bow before jesus and acknowledge him as lord and savior, does his kingdom rule extend to your bedroom?  maybe it’s time to open up that discussion.  maybe it’s time to invite wise counsel into your lives.

talking and listening and understanding and forgiving…the  extending of grace and patience…now that’s a start.

what’s holding you back?

Monday Morning Quarterback

yesterday was simply an awesome day!

• solid attendance in both services…in spite of sickness and travel
• i was really excited about getting to present the advent conspiracy to our church family
• what a great response!
• i had lots and lots of positive input…a bunch of people excited to have a different kind of christmas this year!
• i think this thing has the potential to change our church family from the inside out
• speaking of inside out… that’s the title of my new sermon series that will be starting this coming sunday
• five weeks on digging deeper and understanding the flow pattern of spiritual maturity
• you won’t want to miss even one of these messages
• did you come away with a deeper understand of the glory of god after yesterday’s services?
• it’s amazing how many songs we sing are about the glory of god…yet we know so little about it
• the new song, “glory to god”, was an absolutely perfect way to end the service
• i was totally pleased with the turnout for “funday”
• north point definitely knows how to eat and have fun
• thanks to everyone who helped out!
• the weather was perfect
• i wonder how many “big” churches have their own horseshoe pit?
• i think a bunch of people would have stuck around having fun if we hadn’t kicked them out and told them to go home
• having fun and having back pain are not good partners
• we need to have another funday soon…just for me!
• i think a north point “dogday” is in order, sometime in the future
• i promise i won’t bring mine, though…
• why does brandon like to do all the barbecuing?  he’s got some mad skills, but i don’t think that’s the whole story
• there were some people that never even got out of their lawn chairs
• i wonder how much fun they had?
• the cowboy fans were well-behaved
• are you ready to sign up to be part of the “funday planning team”??

great day.  looking forward to many more.  have an incredible week!

what a waste…

this week was no bueno…

Conflict

i have conflicting feelings about this one…

addendum to marriage tuesday…

this morning, i re-read what i wrote yesterday and feel a need to add something to it before next week.

as highly as i think of the sexual intimacy that god designed for a husband and wife,  i don’t want to leave the impression that it is what marriage is all about or that sex is what defines a relationship.  nor do i believe that sexual gratification is the goal of being human.

while i am choosing to write about great sex between a husband and wife, i recognize this topic may be painful for some…and it is with some reservation and sensitivity that i wade into the topic.

some of your marriages may be struggling right now and developing your sexual intimacy is not the biggest thing you need right now.

some of you may have lost your spouses and this discussion is simply too painful to read.  my heart goes out to you.

some of you are unmarried and talking about this topic can run the risk of creating fantasy if it is not entered into with an attitude of sacred.

some of you may be happily married, but your sex life is not what it used to be and you are content with how that has changed.

some of you have experienced a sexual relationship outside of marriage and this discussion is causing you guilt or frustration.

but no matter where you are at on the sex continuum, it’s still super important to talk about it…and do our best to get it right.

my goal is not to make you feel guilty or frustrate you or create feelings of disappointment or failure…but to inspire you!  i want to talk about a topic that is (or at least should be) important to all of us.  and as i speak about the worth and value of a great and godly sexual relationship, please know that i am working to do this with sensitivity and compassion to the place in life you find yourself.

Marriage Tuesday

it’s time to take marriage tuesday in a different direction.  i’ve enjoyed the study and discussions about headship, submission and male/female roles. i hope it’s been good for you.  we’ll revisit it again sometime…

let’s go down a different road for a few weeks.  let’s talk about…gulp…sex.

i’m going to start this whole thing off with a warning.  i intend for this to have a “pg-13 rating”.  i plan to say some things that i might not say in a sermon on sunday mornings…not because they shouldn’t be said, but because there may  be some kids in our audience on sunday mornings who might not be able to handle the frankness of the topic.  there’s a time and a place for this discussion.  this will be a place for some of it.

here is my beginning point.  pay careful attention.  sexual intimacy between a husband and a wife is supposed to be a good thing.  a really good thing. it is supposed to be anticipated. it is supposed to be over-the-top fun.    it’s not just for making babies.

hear this: if your sexual relationship with your spouse is uncomfortable, painful, confusing, ignored, unpleasant, blah, embarrassing, awkward, or avoided… there is a problem. and it can happen to anyone.

some newlyweds never get the hang of it.  the sexual exploits talked about in the locker room or portrayed in the movies never quite become a reality.  busyness gives way to exhaustion.  a bad experience can permanently scar.  puritanical church teaching damages our expectations.  parents don’t give the talk. the sexual act produces a baby, but kills the sex drive…not to mention the effects of late-night feedings.

couples with young children are constantly drained.  no money.  no time.  no energy.  no privacy.  no sex.

bad theology and cultural expectations place the responsibility on the woman to provide and service to her hunter-gatherer-provider-hero-protector-spiritual leader-husband.  beer commercials (and a thousand other examples) have taught men that it is normal to objectify women (even our own wives) and see their role as our libido satisfiers.

we are now taught that it is entirely acceptable for men and women to fulfill their sexual fantasies on the internet…through sexually explicit websites and chat rooms.  our culture is now telling us that’s what normal people do.

the older we get, the more demanding life can be.  teenagers.  bills.  work.  managing a home.  fixing the rain gutters.  college.  have a “date night”??? just get me to my recliner…

the “empty nest” is supposed to be the coolest time ever for a couple, but for many, there are just years and years of slowly growing apart…not investing in the relationship…not addressing the most important issues…and the couple is left with nothing but…an empty nest.

before we go too far, let’s make something perfectly clear.  the purpose of marriage is not to have great sex.  nor is it to populate the planet or perpetuate your family name.  the purpose of marriage is not to create financial stability or provide emotional security.

the purpose of marriage is to bring honor to god and point people to the greatness of kingdom living.  the purpose of marriage is to shape us into people that reflect the nature and character of jesus.  it is a place for us to experience the effect of promise-keeping in our lives.

but make no mistake.  healthy sexual intimacy is designed to play a huge role in accomplishing that purpose.  and when the sexual relationship with our partner is unfulfilling, it can (and will) have an effect on every other part of our marriage.  likewise, when our sexual relationship is healthy, fun, robust, anticipated and mutually enjoyed…you can bet that it will have a positive effect…on just about everything!

let me give you an assignment.  if you think your sexual relationship with your spouse could be better, i want to recommend a book for you both to read.  it’s frank.  it’s explicit.  it’s funny.  it’s very open.  it’s written by a christian counselor.

you won’t agree with everything he says.  i don’t.  but he says things that need to be said and opens up paths of dialogue that could transform your relationship with your spouse.

no matter if you are newly married or oldsters with blood that still flows,  you should read this book.  together.  out loud, if you dare.  lay aside your christians-don’t-talk-about-this-stuff attitude and move out closer to the edge.  good things can happen when we take risks.

if your relationship with your spouse is secretly stale, cold, or dying…don’t give up.  give this a shot.  and we’ll talk about it here.  who knows?  maybe god is big enough to make a difference!

here’s the book:

it’s called “sheet music”, by kevin leman.  you can order it from amazon right here…or you can get it from the local christian bookstore.  whatever you do, just get it.

remember, there are explicit, controversial, and potentially uncomfortable topics.  there are issues i have with a few things.  but overall, this is one of the best books that i have come across that lays it all out there.

you won’t regret this.

i can’t wait for next tuesday.