Divorce postscript…

i just finished re-reading what i wrote about divorce over the past four days.  i’m thinking i’m pretty grateful that some of my divorced friends haven’t come looking for me with a bat…

but now that i’ve got your attention, let me give you the greater lesson to be learned from this whole journey through the words of jesus on divorce.

here’s what i’ll tell you about most of my friends who are divorced:  they know better than i (and anyone else who hasn’t gone through a divorce) of what it feels like to fall short of god’s ideal in a marriage...and then to experience the wonderful grace of jesus in new and profound ways.

oh, i know a handful of believers who have walked away from their marriages and never let on (during the ordeal or even now that they have moved on) that there was a struggle.  they only act and talk like it was a good thing…some even claiming the divorce was “god’s will”. frankly, most of the time, i don’t know what to do or say to these folks.

but the others…the ones who have spoken of their hurt and struggle and confusion and guilt…the ones who know acutely that they have fallen incredibly short of god’s “ideal”…the ones who have been to the edge of despair and hopelessness…and emerged the other side with an experience of god’s grace that is both rich and profound, well, they are the ones we should learn from!

you see, throughout my life, the divorced people in my religious circles have most always been labeled.  i was taught that divorce was the biggie. it was a failure of epic magnitude and worse than almost any other.  divorced people wore the scarlet letter.  they were looked at with smug skepticism.  they were usually banned from inner circles of church fellowship.  leadership was forever off limits.  their wisdom and advice was always received with an asterisk.

to those who judge, go back and listen to jesus and the apostles.

jesus and the apostles teach an “ideal” for just about everything…not just divorce.  no worry.  no greed.  no lust.  no anger.  no complaining.  no jealousy.  no judgment.  no retaliation.  no gossip.  no storing up treasures on earth.  love always. pray always. give thanks always. forgive always. rejoice in everything. you must deny yourself.  get rid of all bitterness.  do nothing out of selfishness.  no divorce.

are you getting the picture?

when did we elevate divorce to the position of being the only one we hold up to the ideal?  when did we decide we didn’t have to proclaim to each other and hold each other accountable to the “ideal” for everything on the list?

when?  when we decided we couldn’t live up to the ideal in those areas.  when we figured out that we weren’t perfect.  when we began to know instinctively that even our very best effort is going to fall woefully short of perfection…in every area of life.

does that mean we don’t hold up the ideal?  of course not!  without the ideal, we have no godly goals or expectations or standards.  without the ideals from the word of god, we are left on our own to make up good and bad and right and wrong.

don’t run from god’s standards!  don’t rewrite scripture to something you can do on your own.

it’s ok to admit that it’s not just divorce that happens because of the hardening of hearts, but every failure and shortcoming.  every time we gossip or get greedy or act selfishly or worry or judge others, we are shutting down our hearts to the power and possibility of god to work inside of us.

but when that happens, we have the amazing and liberating opportunity to fall on the grace of god, repent of our shortcomings, pray for a soft and humble heart, pick ourselves up, get dusted off, and make the most of the situation we find ourselves in.

i, for one, am grateful for the incredible life lessons my divorced friends have taught me out of their brokenness and failure.  does that mean that i am advocating divorce?  of course not.  are they?  of course not.  it simply means that god never ever turns his back on us because we fall short of the ideal.

now, if i could just learn my lessons about selfishness…

 

Day 4 – Divorce

i’m not claiming to know all there is to know about divorce.  i’ve never gone through one.  i’ve never known the pain and the struggle and the confusion and the guilt and the feelings of hopelessness that so many have told me about through the years.

i’ve walked with dozens and dozens of kids (over the past 37 years) who have agonized over their parent’s divorce and labored through feelings of blame and misplaced responsibility…not to mention the loss, competition, anger, separation, and anxiety that accompanies the drama.

for those that i have talked to, prayed with, and counseled through, the failure is overwhelming.   and for many, the distance and separation from god is crushing.

so it is with great care and tremendous sympathy that i will offer these closing words on divorce.

as i said yesterday, jesus’ most profound words on marriage occur in matthew 19.  so do his most profound words on divorce.

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator `made them male and female,’  and said, `For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ ?  So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.  I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”  Matthew 19:3-9

jesus’ answer about divorce?  no.  period.  don’t mess with what god has cemented together.  don’t even think about it.  don’t let it into the conversation.  never. ever. no matter what.

“but what about____________?”

“what if____________is happening?”

“surely god doesn’t want me to suffer with ______________, does he?”

sorry.  same answer.  jesus is nothing, if not consistent.

so they ask him, “why did moses command divorce?  didn’t he get the laws directly from god?”

jesus speaks the words that should penetrate us to the core.  he says the reason that people get divorces is because their hearts grow hard…cold…faithless.  these words are dark and ugly.  and true.

divorce happens because people give up.  there may be callousness and resentment.  there may be abuse and neglect.  there may be cheating and distance and walls.  there may be loneliness.  there may be emptiness and love has long since left the building.

but make no mistake.  whatever the reason…whatever the excuse…whatever the rationale or justification…jesus says it boils down…always boils down to one thing:  hearts grow hard.

divorce happens because hearts grow hard and cold and empty and people just stop believing that god is big enough to make a difference.  hardness of heart causes people to grow indifferent and faithless.  it causes people’s faith to shrink and they start trusting their own logic and the wisdom of well-meaning, but deceived friends.  and the marriage dies.

are people ever better off because they have divorced?  some.  at least they sure look like it to me.

people come to me (as the priest, pastor, resident theologian, spokesman for god) and want my “blessing” for their divorce and possible remarriage. it is not mine to give…and i will never give it. people want the bible to say something it doesn’t say. marriage is for life…under any and every circumstance.  divorce always falls short of god’s ideal. always. it hurts to say it. it hurts to admit it.

in my opinion, a follower of christ should never, ever initiate divorce. a follower of christ can remain separated in a difficult marriage, but not divorce, in order to give god time to work in the hearts of both parties.  if one partner pursues the divorce and moves on, i would, only then, accept the reality of the end of the marriage.

jesus seems to give a “loophole” for divorce. but it also seems to me that he is not saying we should pursue divorce in the case of unfaithfulness…merely that it could be legally done under the law of moses.

on a practical level, i never counsel any believer to initiate divorce. it’s not my place to do that. for me to tell them (or bless them) to initiate divorce is equal to me telling them there is no hope and that god is impotent in their relationship. i won’t do that. nor will i tell them not to initiate.  i simply try to speak the truth as i see it and stand by them after they have made their choices.

that’s not to say that i haven’t been secretly relieved or supportive of a handful of godly people who have gone ahead and initiated divorce.  life is complicated.

honestly, there is much more to say about divorce.  that’s why there are so many books written on the subject by men and women much smarter than i am.  if you still want more information, i can recommend some good authors.  if you want to talk, let me know.  if you are struggling in your marriage, tell someone who will come along side you, point you to the words of god, and hold you accountable.

this has been good.  we’ll tackle another difficult topic down the road sometime.

Day 3 – Divorce

for me, the most compelling teaching about divorce in the bible are the words that jesus spoke in matthew 19:

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator `made them male and female,’  and said, `For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ ?  So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.  I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”   Matthew 19:3-9

here are a few observations:

the first is the biggest and the foundation of any teaching or understanding we should have about divorce.  it is the heart of god on marriage.  in other words, you want to know what god thinks about divorce?  that’s the wrong question.  we need to be asking what he thinks about marriage!

the bible states that, according to god,  marriage is a uniquely created union that can only exist between a male and a female who leave their parents and forge a new union as husband and wife.  before that, they were individuals…free beings who could choose their own course without considering how their decisions would affect the life and future of a partner. but marriage changes that.

the two become one.  this relationship is not conditional.  it is permanent.  it is binding.  god says that the two, the man and the woman, become one flesh. the hebrew concept of the mingling of souls…the pressing together of bodies, hearts, minds, wills, and dreams.

to separate a marriage is like trying to “un-mix” two different balls of playdough after they have been rolled together and kneaded into a completely different shade…or trying to separate the individual ingredients of cake batter after it has come out of the mixing bowl…or attempting to put paint back to its original colors after two color tints have been combined, mixed, shaken and sealed in a can.  it’s absolutely crazy to think we would ever attempt to do these things…and that’s how crazy the concept of divorce is to god!

marriage…according to the heart and intent of god…is something that he brings together.  how dare we mess with something…destroy something…rip something apart…that god, himself, is the author and giver of?  i’m afraid that some of us need to rethink the whole concept of marriage before we dare undermine what god is doing.  maybe a thorough understanding of what marriage is would keep us from entering into it so casually in the first place.

second, as a point of reference, this passage makes it clear that god did not create, command, teach, institute, or even validate divorce.  in the law of moses in the old testament (which god delivered to moses), it merely states that god permitted divorce.  it was something that was happening, and god gave them a law to regulate it and give it definition and consequence.

finally, jesus states the only reason…the one and only reason that divorce ever happens.

this is getting good.  more tomorrow.

More on divorce

here is some more to ponder today…

divorce is one of those topics that will always be debated…especially when one wants to know “exactly” what the bible has to say about it.   on one hand, the topic is so complex and buried in jewish history and culture, it is virtually impossible to know “exactly” what is meant.   even the different rabbinical “schools” of interpretation of the jewish talmud have strong differences of opinion.

the law, in the OT, states:  if a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce… Deut. 24:1   the differences of opinion center on the real meaning of “something indecent”.  frankly, nobody really knows.  more than likely, it probably meant anything the husband didn’t like.  that was just the culture they lived in.

so when divorce first appears in the bible, the practice was already in existence.  what god did through moses was to regulate divorce in order to prevent its abuse to keep a bad situation from becoming worse.  the fact that god did not lay down a specific law in the pentateuch prohibiting divorce showed his realistic approach to our failure.   it shows how god is always willing to work on behalf of those who fail to live up to his ideal for them.

as you read yesterday, the NT doesn’t have a ton to say about divorce  either… and most of it is in relationship to the OT law.

in matthew 5 ,  it seems that Jesus makes allowance for divorce in the case of marriage unfaithfulness, but, honestly, we don’t really know exactly what Jesus meant when he used the word porneia:

“It has been said, `Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness (porneia), causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. Matthew 5:31-32

porneia has various meanings and bible interpreters and commentators have translated it many ways.  there is no consistency each time the word porneia appears in the NT, changing from passage to passage and translation to translation: unchastity, infidelity, marriage unfaithfulness, homosexuality, fornication, sexual perversion, immorality…even the sexual defilement in idolatry. the only common theme is that is always refers to something sexual.

a historical perspective is that marriage unfaithfulness in NT times…most often referred to sex with someone else  during the engagement (betrothal) period.  the betrothal in those days was a period where the couple would separate for as long as a year, in order to prepare themselves for marriage.  no contact with each other.  definitely no sexual contact…with each other or anybody else.

also, we have to recognize that jesus is giving new insight to the OT law for his hearers.  honestly, it must have been shocking for them to hear what he had to say.  right before his statement on divorce, he blows them away with a “new” definition of adultery:

“You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery.’  But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.  Matthew 5:27-28

there is no question that jesus is teaching them that the sacredness and holiness of marriage extends, not just to action and behavior, but deep into our thoughts, intents, motives, and feelings.  to me, it seems that jesus wants us to understand that faithfulness in marriage encompasses every part of our existence…and not just the act.

like i said before, this topic is more complex than meets the eye, and we always need to be careful whenever we say “the bible says…” sometimes it’s not that simple.

more on divorce tomorrow.

Marriage Tuesday

a number of weeks ago, i had a friend who called me into a dialogue about divorce.  her questions were perceptive and we carried on an email exchange that was good for both of us.  as a result of that dialogue, i went back to the bible to study the topic again to make sure that my beliefs were still aligned with what god says.

when it comes down to it, all of us are faced with the same dilemma:  where do i go for truth?  who do i trust to give me the wisdom i need to face life?  is there some kind of objective standard for right and wrong, or am i simply left to live off my feelings and my personal life education and experience?

for me, i choose god’s word.  i have no where else to go.  i refuse to trust my own judgment.  the scriptures are where i go for the definition i need for every critical life value and purpose for my life.  it is where i go for my understanding of divorce.

in the old testament, the law of moses tells the people of god of the consequences of divorce:

If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, 2 and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, 3 and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, 4 then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the LORD. Do not bring sin upon the land the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance.  Deuteronomy 24:1-4

in malachi, the prophet speaks of god’s real attitude about divorce:

“I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel… Malachi 2:14

in the new testament, jesus gives some additional insight to our understanding of divorce:

“You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery.’  But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

“It has been said, `Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’  But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.   Matthew 5:27-28, 31-32

and also a little later:

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator `made them male and female,’  and said, `For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ ?  So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.  I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”  Matthew 19: 3-9

that’s it from jesus.

so before i give my thoughts, take a day and consider what you have read and measure what you believe about divorce against it.

i’ll return to this tomorrow…

Monday Morning Quarterback

today…actually yesterday (monday) was a long and demanding day.  it’s midnight and i’m just now getting around to my weekly quarterbacking.

what a powerful day…a great sunday!

• last week, we had five new families visiting north point for the first time.
• this week, we had four more new families here with us.
• i’m not sure what god is doing in all of our lives, but there is really something pretty cool going on.
• i had some amazingly great conversations with people.  deep and profound.
• are you making good connections with people on sundays?
• are you moving out of your comfort zones?
• are you meeting new people and letting them into your life?
• we had nearly 50 in the first service and about 130 in the second hour.  that’s a good crowd.
• it’s kind of crazy, but i can look through a list of our church family and still tell you who was missing on any given sunday…one of the perks of a smaller church, i suppose.
• three weeks ago, we had nearly 70 “regulars” missing…last week, nearly 50…and yesterday there were over 30 that i could count.
• each week, though, we still had a full house.  pretty cool.
• i have really grown to deeply appreciate the public reading of scripture that we do every sunday.
• does it bug you as much as it bugs me that we still have such a fixation with making sacrifices to god…even though jesus is the once and for all sacrifice for sin?
• what are you still trying to offer to god to try and make things right with him?  church attendance?  bible study?  prayer?  inviting others to church?  saying “no” to certain sins?  giving money to the advent conspiracy?  what?
• maybe it’s time to revisit the cross…
• i’ve loved singing inside out the past three weeks.
• the band was unusually good this week.  great song set…it really went well with the sermon.  i love it when we all seem to be on the same page with what the holy spirit is doing in our time together.
• we found out right before the second service began that brandon (the bass player) hasn’t washed his hair in three weeks.  how they figured that out right then and there is a mystery to me.  but, dude…you gotta know the difference between conditioner and shampoo!
• logan is making some killer slides for youth ministry announcements these days.  the punk youth minister has some mad graphic skills…
• the advent conspiracy is rocking right now.  we’re closing in on five grand raised…and we haven’t even reached thanksgiving.
• i’m really starting to believe we are going to reach our goal of $15k
• are you ready to serve at the holiday at the hall?  we need everybody out there to make a difference!
• sunday lunch at chipotle with friends?  it doesn’t get much better…

Finally making the transition…

it’s taken nearly fifteen years, but it’s finally happening.

after spending our first forty years on the left coast…eating sprouts and avocados…saving whales…hugging trees…voting for actors posing as politicians…enjoying the surf and snow…befriending illegals…and riding out the aftershocks of earthquakes…i think we are finally becoming texans.

how do i know?  i may be ready to buy a gun.  let me explain…

for the past six months, we have been harassed by mice and rats at the farra cabana.  first it was this summer.  thought we had tackled the problem, but somehow…before they died…they must have contacted their cousins and told them we were pretty easy targets, being from california and all.

so the extended family moved in about a month ago.

being the ungracious hosts that we are, we began putting out poison cubes (which we are convinced they just carted off and used for furniture in their little rodent family rooms) and a big honkin’ trap.

a few days ago, the trap caught a big one by the nose and, after it had drug it’s sorry little body around our kitchen floor for a while during the night, it finally gave up the ghost.

now here’s the part that made me fall more madly in love with wanda than i ever thought possible.  instead of waking me up in the morning to do the dirty work of picking it up and tossing it in the trash…she did it all on her own!  then she cleaned up the blood and washed the floor and when she told me about it, i asked her if she was okay with dealing so closely with the death of one of god’s creations?

“nope.  it got what it deserved.”  no remorse.  no sadness.  pretty much pure bloodlust.

this morning, i caught another one…with a pot.  i snuck up on it (though i think it was a little punch drunk from eating the poison…it moved as slow as i do most mornings), put the pot over the top of it,  slid a piece of cardboard under the pot, dumped the rat in in a plastic grocery bag, tied the top and layed it on the garage floor.

i was watching the bag move around when it happened.  my inner, tranquil, ex-hippie peace and love demeanor was taken over.  a cosmic compulsion grabbed my ecologically correct, california heart.  without hesitation, without conscience, without compassion…i reached for my shovel leaning against the corner of my garage…and with a swift, calculated, determined explosion, i totally lumberjacked that bag, and it’s contents, into a perfectly flat pancake.

with what looked  like a cherry-raspberry syrup oozing from inside the bag.

and with that “yeah, i’m bad…i just hit a walk-off homerun in the bottom of the ninth” arrogance, i bent over picked up the bag and threw it in the trash can.

no remorse.  no bad feelings.  no guilt.  no bad dreams tonight.  just the pure satisfaction of a man who has protected his house and his woman from the evil intruder.

i live in texas now, dad gummit!  i’m a man.  i’m wild at heart.  i can kill things.  i think i need a gun.

i wonder if walmart has any of those “super power soakers” in stock?

 

I haven’t done this lately…

this is for those of you who don’t get to see what i do…just in case.

IMHO…

compared to most 54 year-old men, i’m a pretty flexible guy.  i’m challenged by innovation and new ideas.  i love change.  i’m way more post-modern in my orientation than a lot of 20 and 30-somethings i know.  i think if the church (our church) continues to do the same things in the same ways, we’re going to continue to lose young people in the same way.  like i said, i’m all for change.

so when i read about this new idea, well…i’m still kind of steamed when i think about it.

tim stevens is a church-leader-blogger that i like to read.  he had an interesting post about outsourcing worship leaders the other this morning at his leadingsmart.com website.  i’m curious what you might think about it…

(thanks to mondaymorninginsight.com for the synopsis)

tim met with a church leader from mississippi that temporarily hired worship leaders to come in to help them out after their worship leader left for another job.  it worked out so well, that the church decided to permanently hire temporary worship leaders.  they have settled on four or five leaders that they bring in on a weekly basis.  according to tim stevens, here are some of the advantages this church leader told him about this approach:

• many worship leaders don’t enjoy building teams, managing budgets or organizing departments. they just love to lead worship. this strategy let’s them stay in their sweet spot.
• this decision saves money for the church.  they are able to pay them really well for a weekend and still save enough money in the church budget to use toward another staff position.
• they love the variety that this brings to their church.   keeping things unpredictable is a plus to keeping people’s attention.
• they have learned so much from these worship leaders that they wouldn’t have learned from one person.

in spite of my sometimes reckless love for change and my willingness to go out to the edge for the sake of reaching people for christ, i gotta tell you that i hate this idea.  i appreciate the outside-the-box thinking, but this church has got some messed up thinking.

the premise is all wrong.  the justifications are all wrong.   the expectations are all wrong.  sorry for being so wishy-washy about my opinion on this one.  the definition of worship leader is wrong.  the motive for doing this is wrong.  what about relationship?  what about family?  i’ll stop now.

agree or disagree?

for the record, you people at north point better not get any wacky ideas about outsourcing the preaching around here…

 

Marriage Tuesday

i’ve got a few more minutes left before my tuesday turns into wednesday, so here goes…

tuesday night is bowling night for mike and wanda and a bunch of other crazy adults from north point.  here are some lessons about marriage that i observed while the party went on at our local bowling alley tonight:

“you have to learn to laugh at yourself” – truth is, we are not the greatest bunch of bowlers in the world.  with the exception of a few, we stink it up pretty regularly.  but there is a ton of laughter going on!  we make a lot of mistakes in our marriages…say a lot of dumb things…do a lot of things we’d rather forget.  but we need to cut ourselves and our partners some slack.  none of us are really very “good” at marriage.  laughter is some of the sweetest medicine available.

“handicaps are good things” – in our league, we all get handicaps.  if you don’t know what it means, let me just say that it is a way of scoring so that it keeps everybody on the same level.  those who don’t bowl so well get higher handicaps to raise their scores.  those who are better bowlers have lower handicaps and their scores have to stand more on their own.  we all bring handicaps to our marriages.  we all have weaknesses, and its our weaknesses that make us strong, because only the weak…the imperfect…the needy…can truly understand the grace of god.  in marriage, neither partner is better.  both stand on equal footing before a holy god

“stay out of the gutter” – i’m pretty sure we bowl more gutter balls than we do strikes in our league!  it’s as if we have momentary lapses of judgment and actually think that the gutter is an acceptable place to be.  in our marriages, we have to stay out of the gutter.  there are places and people and activities that must be avoided, if we are going to hold our marriages as sacred and protected.  i’m not going to amplify.  you know what i’m talking about!

“it’s all about the team” – we have four-person teams.  our score is a collective score.  if one person bowls poorly, it’s up to the other members of the team to pick him up.  when all is said and done, it really doesn’t matter what we each bowl individually (unless you’re on my team…you have to be there to understand this one).  all that matters is what the final total is when all the scores are added up.  i see a lot of individuality and selfishness and independence in marriages these days.  we all need a heavy dose of what it really means to become one flesh. marriage is all about merging of two into one.  anything short of that is not really marriage.

“make the investment in good equipment” – last year, some of my friends gave me a gift so i could buy my own bowling ball.  it’s finally starting to pay off!  i really am starting to bowl better (i bowled a 204 tonight…).  i still have to work at it, but good equipment really makes a difference.  people…there are so many awesome resources out there that can help your marriages!  there are so many great books and tapes and online sources of marriage education its ridiculous.  there are workshops and conferences and radio programs.  there are gifted and godly counselors and clinics for deeper problems.  even our own church family is full of good people who are more than willing to come and stand with you and fight for your marriage, if you’d only ask.

“good shoes mean everything” – one of the worst parts about recreational bowling is the idea of slipping your foot into bowling alley’s rental shoes.  what do you really know about the feet that have been in there before yours?  scary.  i love having my own shoes.  they are comfortable.  they fit me.  there’s no disease inside.  putting my bowling shoes on makes everything about bowling go better.  what’s the foundation of your marriage?  what are basic commitments you have made to each other that you build on every day?  what are the vows you made?  what are the truths that are timeless?  maybe its time to remember…

“keeping score is not all that important” – yeah, we keep score every week. but in the end, nobody really cares who wins and loses.  but what does matter is that we all walk out as friends…even better friends than we were before the evening began.  marriage is never about winning and losing.  marriage is not about competition.  score is never to be kept.  past mistakes are to be forgotten and sins forgiven.  no scorecards.  no standings.  no defeats.  only victory.

“there are no perfect games” – at least in our league there’s not!  we all fall short.  dale gets on a roll every now and then and we all start looking at those “Xs” going up on the screen…but sure enough, he falls short of perfection just like the rest of us.  (for the record, we’re all pulling for him…and i think he may just do it one of these weeks…). there are no perfect marriages.  no perfect husbands.  no perfect wives.  no perfect households or budgets or parents or kids.  just imperfect people relying on a perfect god for grace and mercy.

“just sitting and talking is a great thing” – if you’re stuck bowling with the farras,  one thing you’ll quickly figure out is that we spend more time talking with our friends than we do actually bowling.  our team name is “you’re up”…in honor of the constant reminder to pay attention because its one of our turns to shut up and get our behinds up to the lane and bowl.  oh well.  it’s the way i’m wired.  and its the way our marriages should be wired, also.  seldom is there anything more important…more needed…more appreciated…more foundational…than sitting and talking with our partner.  its oxygen for our marriages.  without it, we suffocate and die.

“hit your mark” - there are little marks on the floor for where you need to put your feet as you begin your approach  and prepare to release the ball.  there are also other marks about fifteen feet down the lane for you to aim at as you roll your ball.  they are guides to help you get the ball in right spot when your toss is finished.  what are your “marks” for your marriage?  what are your goals?  do you talk with each other about your dreams and visions and expectations for the life you share?  do you know what god expects of you?  you can’t build a godly marriage without hitting your marks.

“remember to follow through” – its a simple, but easily overlooked part of bowling mechanics.  when you release the ball, you need to bring your throwing arm back in order to create momentum…swing it forward to propel it down the lane…and finish with your throwing arm higher than your head.  it keeps you from aiming the ball and drifting from side to side.  it also keeps your ball going in the direction you want it to go.  ultimately, without a good follow through, you are never going to succeed in bowling.  the same is true in our marriages.  you can talk…plan…exchange wedding vows…read books…go to marriage classes…whatever.  but if you don’t follow through on your commitments, it means nothing.

so there you have it.  probably more than you ever wanted to know about bowling…but maybe something worth remembering about marriage.